Ghetto Pass: The Last Ghetto

The Assimilated Negro is the issuing authority for your own personal Ghetto Pass, helping you safely navigate among the people and places of browner territories.

When the darkness descends, and the final Co-Bo has closed, even the ghetto is compelled to ponder the nature of its existence. Is it nothing but a well-worn clich , a dead horse waiting to be chopped up and smothered in General Tso's sauce? Are the self-perpetuating stereotypes a product of exploitative ignorance, or simply the reflection of the beast's unwavering eyes staring back from the abyss? (Huh? What??) Do the tears we shed laughing at the latest Hallmark Holla mask an anguish so deep we dare not share it outside the context of a set-up and punchline? The Last Ghetto is where all the question marks come to roost. It is where the chaos in the ghetto's soul is silenced so that it can give birth to a calm, lobotomizingly-soothing black hole of a column.

Planning a Trip - To find the last ghetto one need only gather all the self-righteous pompous race-snobs you can find, then go on eBay and order the tallest high-horse and/or the most profound pedestal money can buy. Combine the two, and soon it will be Next Exit: The Last Ghetto. Accessorizing with a complementary soapbox or bullhorn is recommended but optional.

Are We There Yet? - Inhabitants of the last ghetto only blink and smile in smug satisfied egalitarian bliss. What of black people and chicken? What of Hispanics and Handball? Is the cat really the official animal of all corner bodegas? When queried in this manner last ghetto-dwellers will say, "We are the last ghetto, we are happy," and blink.

The Four Horseman of The Last Ghetto - All the horseman spring from the same well of Judeo-Christian morality, but they espouse those beliefs in different ways:

The Ministers of Morality - They take a very generalized approach to judging you. It isn't about race, class, money, etc. It's just about them being right, and you being wrong.

The Racial Harmony Rebels - Taking the racial angle, rebels always take offense to any racializing of the ghetto. If you suggest something like Black People + Chicken = Not A Bad Combination, they may very well "justifiably" assassinate you, for the benefit of the world at large and spreading democracy, ... or something.

No-More-Poverty Prophets - Also known as NoMoPos. For these economic soothsayers, it's not about race, it's about money. It's not Asian people who run the Ghetto Chinese Spots, it's poor people.

Intellectual Idiot - Similar to the minister of morality, but significantly more versed with the intelligence-boosting powers of wikipedia. He will reference the text of 19th century german philosophers to lend authority to his ostensibly impassively-impotent words.

Fun Facts

• Did you know Friedrick Nietzsche ate nothing but chicken wings and fried rice from his local GCS while writing Thus Spoke Zarathustra?

Ghetto Terror Alert - There is no terror in the last ghetto, no man or woman would risk characterizing their entire gender/race/religion via their own violent actions. No one wants to be a terrorist, so no one does anything terrorizing. Everyone is safe.

Slang Check - No slang, only a quote: "Take these words home and think it through, or the next rhyme I write might be about you..."

Earlier: Recreational Activities