Even though Newsweek already excerpted the only chapter that anyone remotely cares about, James Wolcott breathlessly trumpets Vanity Fair's acquisition of "the whole enchilada" — a shiny new hardcover edition of If He Did It — today on VF.com. (Now we know who was bidding on Ebay!) So what's the book (well, the part we haven't all already read) like? Well, Wolcott calls it "a shameless yet ingeniously opaque cockteaser," and, surprise surprise, so is his 'review.' We learn that O.J. and Nicole Brown had a tumultuous marriage, and that Nicole frequently enraged her husband by wearing whorey outfits. Yawn yawn. Ultimately, the only sort of new information here seems to be that James Wolcott is a weirdo who makes up his own nonsensical slang. Simpson's B-list milieu is given to "normo" leisure activities, while Nicole is "for cert" nothing like Gloria Swanson, though the book is (somehow ) like Sunset Boulevard. But our favorite moment of Wolcottian semicoherence comes later, when he's describing the chapter entitled "The Two Nicoles":

As [Simpson] tries to move forward, she's stuck in self-destructive reverse, acting and dressing like a teenager with her twat in a snit and, rumors reach him, hanging with a bad crowd.

Well, we may not care about O.J. or Judith Regan or anything anymore, but we do look forward to using the next time we'll be able to use the "twat in a snit" tag.

Murder, He Wrote (Sort Of) [VF.com]