We cringingly directed you yesterday to Rudius blogger Eric Schaeffer's site, where he alternately wonders why he can't find love and makes it glaringly obvious why he can't find love (he's the kind of pompous misogynist who makes Norman Mailer look like Rebecca Traister. Also, he's short). The aftermath in our inbox was brutal: we learned way, way, way more than we ever wanted to know about Schaeffer, including the fact that he has a book, also entitled I Can't Believe I'm Still Single (DON'T BUY IT! Seriously, if one person buys Schaeffer's book because of this, we might have to quit Gawker and go work for NOW to expiate our debt to womankind) coming out this spring from Thunder's Mouth Press. Here's the blurb from, you guessed it, T*cker M*x:
You almost don't believe what you are reading, but at the same time, you relate to the underlying emotions. And on top of it all, he is really funny.
After the jump, we dump out the rest of our douchiness-glutted mailbag.
From a 2001 Observer article (tragically not online:)
"Look, I've always had beautiful, wonderful, smart, funny women in my life," Mr. Schaeffer said at the diner over a bowl of Greek salad. "I can't understand why someone would look at me and think that I make movies to pick up women. I mean, it's jealousy. It's only a jealous person that would look at anyone and question their motives about why they do art. I make art because I'm an artist. I've never gotten any relationship out of filmmaking. I love beautiful women. I see a beautiful women on the subway and I'll say, 'Hi, my name's Eric,' and I'll say some funny thing. I met one of my girlfriends on a plane. I saw her, I walked over to her, and I said, 'Aquarian.' She goes, 'How did you know that?' I go, 'I can just tell.' Boom. Two-year love affair. My last girlfriend, I saw her in a hallway of an agency I was working at. I said, 'What do you do here?' She said, 'I work here.' I said, 'Hi, my name's Eric. Want to have lunch?'"
From a lady who had the pleasure of e-meeting Eric on Nerve (he's known there as "blueseat")
OH MY GOD!!!
So this Eric Schaeffer douche is actually on Nerve/Salons Personals and in my single, online-dating days we emailed a couple of times. Immediately after making his first introduction he wrote back saying that it sounded like I liked going out and drinking too much (umm... no, not really) and that because he is in AA, he can't really be with someone who... well... drinks. At all.
Now, I've dated my share of recovering addicts and drunks, but I never had anyone make me feel like a total lush for no reason. I mean, he was seriously judgmental and douchy about the whole thing. So there you have it: if you want the pleasure of dating Mr. Schaeffer you must be:
2) Completely sober
3) Under 5'9" (wouldn't you presume)
4) Possessing of enough patience and kindness to put up with self-important douches.
Good luck, ladies!
P.S. I used to screen for short men and I'm pretty sure the dude lies about his height.
Okay, so, to recap: if you weren't already convinced that Eric Schaeffer is the douchiest douche ever to douche it up, he a) is a close personal friend of T*cker M*x b)is the destitute homeless man's Woody Allen and c)is a sanctimonious recovering alcoholic. THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE, ERIC. Believe it.