Okay, okay, we admit it: we are powerless over our addiction to posting about manorexic, twelve-steppin', misogynistic, internet dating addicted, bad-screenplay-writer Eric Schaeffer. We'll keep trying to stop (maybe a power higher than ourself might return us to sanity?), but in the meantime, we thought we'd share with you the entire text of the best Schaeffer-dater email we've received so far. A taste:
He, honest-to-god, is unaware of how much bullshit he feeds to everyone and, most sadly, to himself. if he were aware, he would probably freak-out from the calorie content.
OK - so i choose to remain anonymous because i really have nothing against this guy. in fact, i still think highly of him as a writer and have nothing against him as a person. But, that said, yes, i dated him, yes, he's a Narcissistic (with a capital N - and please correct that spelling if i'm wrong, but he is not worth dictionary.com-ing) NUTJOB and i just think it's hilarious how much play he's gettiing on Gawker.Done and done!
i also know how much time he spends surfing the web, probably reading each and every blurb about himself as he masturbates at 2 am while eating non-dairy chocolate. and hating himself for it. so, since i have nothing against him, i would rather he not feel hurt by yet another girl announcing from the cyber-rooftops that he is the nuttiest nutjob i've ever met who lives in the deepest depths of denial that i have ever visited (all of which i will testify to in court). he, honest-to-god, is unaware of how much bullshit he feeds to everyone and, most sadly, to himself. if he were aware, he would probably freak-out from the calorie content.
i have honestly never met a man who is so obsessed with himself, and yet, seems to spend all if his time HATING himself and adoring himself at once. i guess that's all wrapped up in the same nutjob issues that make him the entertaining weirdo he is today. thin line between love and hate, right?
i was reading your posts about him (a friend forwarded to me, despite the fact that i thought he was out of my life) and this one finally made me cave and write to you:
"We tried to resist, we really did. But much as we'd like to ignore this in the hopes that it'll go away, we can't help but heap scorn on it (even though that is exactly what it wants). Such is . . . our job. Anyway, meet Eric Schaeffer, a 5'8'' semi-failed screenwriter whose blog is the latest addition to the stable of the Rudius (ugh, we feel like we just said "Voldemort"!) blog empire of sickmaking, unfunny douchebaggery. He's looking for a woman to spend the rest of his life with, but he has some pretty stringent requirements: It's nothing personal. I LOVE everything about women as they get older. Women over 45 are divine. They've dropped all their shit and really sink into their bodies and beings but.... BUT unfortunately, babies are done."
Guess what his name is among me and my friends? VOLDEMORT. Which kind of makes me think, whoever wrote that, do i know you? He became so insane that we couldn't even say his name, then he became "he who shall not be named", then....well, you get it. He is now referred to as "V" in correspondence among my friends. and he basically said that "i love everything about women as they get older" thing to me verbatim. he recycles: women and words. the more i read about him, the more i realize how many women have had the exact same experience as me. we should start a freakin' support group like his beloved AA. (he's not as crazy about it as they say. he doesn't care if you have a glass of wine around him.)
Here's the one i haven't read about, though:
I am different of all these other fabulous gawker ladies in that, yes, i do believe he's a little gay (what 'straight' person isn't? come on, just a LITTLE) and won't admit it (but he does truly love women, i am sure), but, YES, i actually do find him attractive. In fact, i am a sucker for big baby blues on neurotic writer-types. go figure. i'm not proud. and he's 5'8". maybe 5' 71/2" but girls are being mean. let's judge him on what a NUT he is, not on his height, which is not his fault.
anyway, we met on nerve (a shameful period of my life that is now OVER), it was the same story as the other chicks. soon we were making out (like i said, i find him hot, don't judge me! and he is actually a fantastic kisser). we made out, got to what, first base? that's IT and before i know it he sits me down and says, "OK, now i need to have that talk," i just met this guy. yeah sure, i saw IF LUCY FELL, like 10 years ago with my mom, but WE JUST MET. "would you get an HIV test for me?" by the way, like the other girl said, he wanted a blow-job ASAP. yeah. no thanks. your dick is not the number one priority in my life. he does this to elle, in fact, in IF LUCY FELL.....(the HIV thing).
we KISSED. yeah we made out the first day we met (stop judging, gawker, we just made out. it was like high school and it was fun.) next thing i know he is planning the possibility of sex, babies, marriage and hey, if all MIGHT happen, then this chick better get tested. Thing is, he is extremely intelligent (all the most dangerous are) and he knows that he puts all his stresses and fears into HIV and being a hypochondriac. so it created this silly drama for half a hot minute. we had some fun. i realized what a nutball he is and decided that i would happily watch his movies and enjoy him from afar, but would recommend to Bloomberg that he quarantine the city from this guy. looks like from all the people who have had my experience on gawker, maybe we need a PSA warning fathers to keep their under 35 daughters away from him.
when it was over, he was very very concerned that i still like him and that i have 'good feelings' about knowing him. that man spends all his time doing things that make people not like him, then he gets upset if people don't like him.
anyway, chalk me up as yet another who can confirm his LOCO-ness, but also chalk me up as one girl out there who is willing to admit that he ain't so bad, he don't mean no harm, and he really is cute in a neurotic-NY-writer kinda way.
i laughed for days when a friend told me his BLOG was called "I can't believe I'm still single."
something poignant about how pathetic he is, no?
jesus - look at the length of this email. we LOVE talking about this guy! i blame you, Gawker!
PS - be fair. if you post this, don't just post the mean stuff, post that at least one person has some nice things to say about him. i'll repeat: polite, hygenic, fiercely intelligent, cute, embraces weirdness, non-judgemental. (you know, add that to all the freakish, narcissistic, gimme-a-break, treats women like baby-factories stuff....)
Earlier: This Is The Last Eric Schaeffer Post. Seriously.