Ghetto Pass: Exit Plan

The Assimilated Negro is the issuing authority for your own personal Ghetto Pass, helping you safely navigate among the people and places of browner territories.

Like the lushest of Shakespearean tragedies, leaving the ghetto is such sweet sorrow. There may be no finer setting to observe the babes of comedy and tragedy both suckling up to Father Nature's bosom to nurse from the same lactating teat. But while we smile and reminisce on sweet serenades of quarter-waters and looseys, we inevitably remember that no one leaves the ghetto on accident. A citified reflection of our own internal duality, the ghetto is both loved and loathed; tragically flawed so that it is most appreciated after it is eventually left behind. Whether you want to be a head coach in the Super Bowl or just a bummy-looking Blipster, no one, not even the president, enters the ghetto without a proper exit strategy.

Planning To Leave - The ghetto, under ideal circumstances, exists as a rite of passage. Like that first kiss, it's both a promise for the future and a sentimental reminder of innocence lost. Whether you're born in the ghetto, or it's a pit stop along the way, the ghetto is a place where you can stay a while and become humbled by your environment, and at the same time made aware of your vast potential.

Are We Gone Yet? - It takes more than a good job, or a hop on the subway, to leave the ghetto. During my freshman year at Choate Rosemary Hall I was suspended for beating up some "fac-brat." Despite enjoying the manicured grounds of campus in Wallingford, CT, I suspect this incident occurred because the ghetto had not fully left my system. The GHT needs time to pass through your body. Drink lots of fluids.

Outside The Ghetto - Outside the friendly confines of the ghetto you will find grass in parks, working water fountains, and most notably, green leafy vegetables and otherwise fresh produce. We quote from an old ghetto translation:

"Now I like four wings and french-fries from the ghetto chinese spot as much as much as the next overweight boy or girl. But there comes a time when your heart, arteries, and everyone else in the circulatory system are going to look at you and yell, "Damn son! Can't you have a couple pieces of lettuce ... at least once?? A carrot, corn kernel, broccoli floret ... something??!!?" Then you will look at your circulatory system and say, "Why are all of you talking like Chris Rock?" Then they will stop talking."

Fun Facts

• Did you know it's common for those who leave the ghetto to carry a chicken wing tip in their wallet or purse? These are frequently passed down from generation to generation.

Ghetto Terror Alert - It's all good if you're leaving the ghetto. No one wants to cause any problems because you never know who might become your friend once on the outside. All the old alliances are null and void. Now if you leave and then try to come back... that could be a problem.

Earlier: The Cipher