The real story of the week was the Sapphic cravings of popstitute Britney Spears. We turned to Lisa Parrish, the Hookup blogger for "The L Word"-based Our Chart, a randy lady-based social networking site, for help in dealing with the accusations of lesbian lady-craving leveled at Britney Spears in this week's In Touch and everywhere else.
Gawker: So have you READ this week's In Style, in which Britney Spears' lesbian lifestyle is dissected?
Lisa Parrish: I haven't read the InStyle article, but I've read a few other juicy stories online.
Gawker: So, what I don't understand is, with men like Kevin Federline available to her—the cream of the crop of manhood—why would she turn to women?
Lisa Parrish: It boggles the mind, doesn't it?
Gawker: According to In Touch, Britney was totally into Jenna Jameson. Is that a sign of lesbianism?
Lisa Parrish: It's a sign that Britney isn't a lesbian, she's actually a straight man.
Gawker: Which makes sense, given the pictures of Britney reading Playboy. Long nails everywhere!
Lisa Parrish: Which is why she supposedly went through dozens of women, if you believe the tabloids. Apparently, no one came back for more.
Gawker: Ah, that's interesting. She IS a man, baby! Do you have some sense of how Britney might have caught lesbianism?
Lisa Parrish: Lesbianism is highly contagious, as you know. She might have caught it from that sloppy kiss with Madonna in 2003, she might have just brushed up too close to one in Vegas — we'll never know. She did not, however, catch it from Paris Hilton.
Gawker: America wasn't ready for the first out NBA player this week—do you think America is ready for an out skank hillbilly poptart?
Lisa Parrish: America has been ready for this for decades — if only she'd had the courage to come out before! Of course, she's actually denying all the rumors. As the charmingly named "Men's News Daily" put it, "Britney just laughed when accounts of her vagina-flashing hit the news, but the pop diva immediately and emphatically denied rumors that she is a lesbian."
Gawker: I suppose that's the new America. Flash your pink kitchen curtains to the world, sure—but don't EVER talk about your lady-cravings.
Lisa Parrish: It's been a long journey for Britney from her Mickey Mouse Club days, let's put it that way.
Gawker: I'm scared! Who's the next to be a lesbian? Not Justin Timberlake, I hope!
Lisa Parrish: Well, if Justin went lesbian, perhaps he and Britney could get back together — would that be so bad? They could be the new lesbian power couple, perhaps even have a couple of kids by an aging rock star. They could be role models for the lesbian community. As long as Britney cuts those nails, of course.
Gawker: That's an excellent point! FutureSex/LoveLesbians. And I suppose the ultimate proof of Britney's lesbitude is her constant relationship hopping. Chick hasn't been single for eight seconds since that nightmare 55-hour marriage.
Lisa Parrish: Yes, she's definitely showing all the signs. If it progresses as expected, we could well be seeing Britney in cargo pants and baseball caps. Whoops, did we already see that?
Gawker: Oh, I think we DID. So I suppose there's one other thing. I hear there are these people called "bisexuals," though everyone always says they don't exist. Still, I just can't see Britney having a girl-party. "C'mon, y'all!"
Lisa Parrish: Oh, I definitely can.
Gawker: Oh my God! Do the lesbians find Britney hot?
Lisa Parrish: The lesbians used to find Britney hot. Now we're forced to imagine that the other girls are really pretty. Not that we do. Or anything.