Thanks to everyone who shared their touching, heartfelt stories about the good they've done for black people, all in the service of winning a date at White Castle with our contributor The Assimilated Negro for Valentine's Day. The competition was stiff. We received dozens of entries from women (and a few men) of all races, all imploring us to do what we thought was right and pick them. Unfortunately, only one lucky person could be the winner, and we've printed her entry after the jump.
Rachel, Female, 23, Graphic Design, As White as They ComeCongratulations, Rachel. We can only hope that this experience provides you with a memorable Valentine's Day, as well as ample material for your screenplay. TAN gets pretty mystical when you get a few "slyders" in him.
For the Good of Black People: My Life's Work
Part 1: In Which I Baked
When I was dating my own "assimilated negro," I made him a "black and white" cheesecake for his birthday. I don't think he caught the double meaning. He just thought it tasted good. Which it did.
Part 2: In Which I Educated Others
I am writing a screenplay with a black protagonist, and it contains precisely zero "mystical black man" characters and no references to fried chicken, biscuits, sweet potato pie, or collard greens.
Part 3: In Which I Have Been A Muse
I have inspired many Harlem-dwellers, who have serenaded me with impromptu song lyrics such as, "...snowflake in the summertime..."
Part 4: In Which My Anatomy Spoke For Itself
While passing a basketball court full of young black men, I prompted the response, "DAMN! You got a BLACK ass!" One of my proudest moments, as I love to extend the charity my ass can provide the world over.
Later, we'll share with you some of the runners-up. Perhaps they'll get their own, unofficial dates! During Black History Month, everyone's a winner.