It's all your fault. You TiVoing netizens aren't watching television commercials or reading newspapers and magazines. Advertisers need to make a certain number of impressions on you in order to acquire and retain you as a customer (their words, not mine). Subsequently, the messaging ploys, especially in New York City, are becoming more and more bizarre. Marshall McLuhan — whom I was supposed to have read in college instead of playing hockey and being a poseur existentialist — must have a pretty smug look on his skull right about now.

Rubbish. According to last week's Ad Age, Glad recently finished a two-month run advertising its trash bags on the sides of New York's 2,000 trash trucks. That makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that two entertainment marketers have contacted the department of sanitation to take Glad's place—though linking most movies/CDs/TV shows with smelly garbage is fine by me.

Condom wrappers. New York is branding the 1.5 million generic prophylactics it hands out for free every month. The first batches will feature iconic City designs, but the logical next step is to accept outside bids... say Michelin or According to Jim.

Crappers. Below is a shot scanned from Ad Week supplement Other Advertising. These portable toilets were placed in Central Park last Summer for a New York Road Runners' race. Whatever your opinion of IndiaDotArie's particular brand of neo soul, this bit of marketing shitergy can't be a smart move, can it? Was her music piped in? And if so, did it act as a laxative or costive?

This image was lost some time after publication.

In summation: Piss, Shit, Cum and Offal. Why not rotting corpses?

Correction: In this column two weeks ago, I wrote "He (Tom Messner) got rich & bloated with his own agency back in the go-go '80s thanks to sweet, sweet 15 percent compensation commissions." Mr. Messner wrote me saying that he only received $75,000 per year compensation for the first three years his agency was open in the late 80s, and that only one client was billed using the 15% commission model. I apologized to Mr. Messner, he accepted, and I will be wearing an Opus Dei leg cilice the rest of this week.

94 years ago, liar H.K. McCann launched his NYC ad agency with the slogan "Truth Well Told." That was a Big Fat Lie. Advertising copywriter copyranter brings you instances of Ad Lies and the Lying Liars who sell them.
Earlier: I Hate the Super Bowl