Stalk of the Town: Angela Lansbury Is A Tale As Old As Time

The time: 1 p.m.
The date: Feb. 5th
The place: Patsy's, 206 E. 60th Street.
Sighted: "Saw Angela Lansbury going into Patsy's. It was pizza she ordered."

It's no coincidence that Broadway has been recently inundated by a slew of C- and D- list celebrities. Returning to Broadway - to one's acting "roots" - is indeed a shrewd and not all obvious career tactic used by superstar icons such as Rita Wilson and Tony Danza to regain some of the respect they garnered earlier in their career (Jingle All The Way and The Tony Danza Show, respectively). But after solving the murders of all of her neighbors (but suspiciously never accusing herself), Angela Lansbury needs no additional credibility. What Angela does need is an airtight alibi as to why on God's green earth, she, an 82-year-old woman, will be on Broadway in "Deuce" in 2007. Bankruptcy, she wrote.

After early success on the gramophone and then later in moving pictures, Lansbury showcased her versatility as an actor, playing old ladies and even older ladies, endearing herself to a core fan base of people in diapers. But Angela's futile attempts to turn back the hands of time via repeated facelifts resulted in third-rate cartoon voice over work that left her strapped for cash. Coupled with her foolish "investment" in a $2 million condo/timeshare scheme in the Windsor Park, and the fact that fans of Murder, She Wrote were literally dying for the fourth season to come out on DVD, Jessica Fletcher had no choice but to delay death and go back to work for an understandably limited engagement.

Sadly, Angela's tale of riches to rags is not unique, and her decrepit return to theater highlights the number one issue facing washed up celebrities today: celebrity elder abuse. Indeed, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong in a society that forces former luminaries into shameful gigs during the twilight of their lives just to eke out a living. Former Golden Girl Betty White now hawks PetMeds. Ed McMahon earns his keep bilking seniors out of their savings through Colonial Penn Life Insurance. No aged celebrity should have to scrape by on government cheese or Patsy's pizza.

But with your donation, there is hope. For just $75 a ticket, you can support Angela Lansbury as she shuffles across the stage one last time before her final curtain call. But don't buy your tickets just yet - chances are she'll be dead by then.

Earlier: They May Have Also Called Him Justin Or Fab A Few Times