Did we say earlier that tonight is 'Everyone Gets Laid Nite?' God, the way things are going today, it's seeming more like 'No One Will Ever Want To Fuck Again Day.' Seriously, due to the combined efforts of Joel "Plushie" Stein, Dave Zinczenko, the Daddy Ignored Me Twins, Riding The Butts With Larry, Ryan The Manny's ode to lube, this dude's gaycial hair, sex is basically over for us forever.
According to the Times, though, some elder folk feel differently. That is to say: more hornily!
Turns out, more oldsters are getting it on now than ever, thanks to Viagra and women's lib. But they're woefully underinformed about the dangers that accompany boning in this day and age. That's where sex educator Monique Binford comes in.
Bella Cohen, an 89-year-old widow in the front row, scoffed, "Oh yeah, by the thousands." Then, she inquired: "We can only use it if we have intercourse?"
Ms. Binford replied, "We can talk later if you're thinking of other uses."
Urging her charges to meet potential partners at senior centers, social functions and places of worship, Ms. Binford recommended carrying a "bag of tricks" containing condoms, lubricant and wipes. She explained where the clitoris is and how to achieve an orgasm by masturbation and mentioned the Saran Wrap maneuver, which provides protection for oral sex on a woman.
"You're making us into sex queens," Mrs. Cohen said.
Sigh. Do they have wireless in convents these days, do you think?