Ben Affleck's Aquatic Violation

Ben Affleck's big comeback bid—which was supposed to have culminated in the actor's triumphant return to the Academy Awards dais to accept his second, unshared Oscar for his work in Hollywoodland, thereby blotting out the memory of all Gigliian cinematic transgressions that came before it—alas did not come to pass. Still, that doesn't mean the actor has closed himself off to the possibility of fresh beginnings: In a recent interview, Affleck talked of his recent decision to quit smoking, and, what's more, a first-time experience with colonic irrigation:

He told Britain's Zoo magazine: "I lost my virginity all over again that day, in so many ways. I don't think I will be having it done again."

Asking the spa attendant if he might spend a few moments alone, Affleck then immediately followed the procedure with a scalding 90-minute shower, sliding slowly down the white tile wall until he lay weeping in a collapsed heap by the swirling drain. It would be years before he could even imagine getting close to another colonic technician again, much less build the necessary bonds of trust that might let him once again gratify that ultimate, most intimate expression of his colon-cleansing needs.