While the couples of New York were enjoying their reservations at Gramercy Tavern and anticipating late nights filled with champagne, strawberries, and edible panties, some singles were trying to figure out how to celebrate Valentine's Day without involving their friends Ben & Jerry. Enter an invitation to the Hollywould/Seize Sur Vingt Lonelyhearts Kegger.
We arrived at Hollywould, Holly Dunlap's shoe 'n' clothing store, around 8:30 to already find the party in full swing and the Amstel Light keg already nearing the end of its life. There was Faran Krentcil of Fashionista; she and Heather continued their post-Fashion Week bonding. [Ed. Note: This is not a good thing.] As the two of them chatted, I surveyed the scene, which could be aptly described as School Ties meets the Palm Springs Junior League. There were more navy blazers than you could shake a stick at, 3 Tucker Carlson clones, and at least 2 boys were wearing Nantucket Reds. Say what you will about the wussiness of preppy men, but wearing summer-weight cotton pants to a party in the middle of a snow/ice/hail storm is real commitment to perpetually shrunken testicles.
Wanting to contribute something to the conversation, I turned to Faran and said, "Wow, there are a lot of cheekbones at this party."
"Oh, it's actually just a really small space," she assured me. "There really aren't that many people".
"Oh, no," I said, ignoring a perfectly good opportunity to let my stupid comment go, "there are a lot of CHEEKBONES at this party. "
Faran looked at me like a kindergartener who was showing her a crayon doodle. "Oh," she said politely. "That's cute."
To the keg! I bumped into two young gentlemen. They were friendly enough and we started chatting. Turns out that they were both named Matt. I introduced myself. "That's my friend Heather," I said.
"Can we call you Heather and Heather?" Matt #1 asked.
"Um, is Kate really that difficult to remember?" I asked him.
"How about Keather?" Matt #2 asked.
"This really is that difficult for you, isn't it?" I asked.
Then the keg stands started. Paul Sevigny was playing Motown. Soon enough, he put on Moon River, and the lights started flashing, prompting at least 3 drunken people to yell "LAST CALL!!" several times in a row.
There were gift bags. If anyone wants a size 0 G-String that says "Draft Magazine: Tap This" on the front, they may address all inquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org.