94 years ago, liar H.K. McCann launched his NYC ad agency with the slogan "Truth Well Told." That was a big fat lie. Advertising copywriter Copyranter brings you instances of advertising lies and the lying liars who sell them.

The vodka market is the limitless frontier of ad-men and importers. Pretty much everybody who's got a bottle and a dream—even dead rock stars who choked on their own alcohol-fueled puke—is trying to become the next Absolut. (Thanks, of course, to TBWA's long-running campaign.) A guy I work with even hopes to soon introduce a Hamptons vodka called Saggy Egret or something. I tried it, but because it was poured from a clear, label-less bottle, it tasted kinda flat to me. Now, after nearly a year delay, Donald Trump's overpriced hooch— a product he says he has never even tasted—is widely available. His tagline? "Success Distilled."

Last month, V2, a caffeine- and taurine-infused vodka apparently not named after the ballistic rocket used by the Nazis at the end of WWII to kill scores of British civilians, hit the market.

To think, everybody used to just drank Smirnoff. Let's take a look at the ad campaigns of three of the fastest selling vodka brands.

On February 6th, Fortune 500 liquor maker/marketer Constellation Brands bought Svedka vodka for $384 million. Last year, Svedka increased sales 60% behind ads featuring a hottie roboty from the year 2023—a fembot that, to me, looks a little too much like the Bjork bot created eight years ago by director Chris Cunningham. FYI, Mr. Cunningham, The Svedka folks will officially be very cash-rich as of March 1st.

Grey Goose just launched a pear-flavored product, Le Poire (Regular readers of Gawker have probably noticed the ubiquitous ads for Absolut's new pear-flavored vodka.). As part of an ongoing partnership with Conde Nast, Grey Goose employs New Yorker cartoonists to help create tear-out recipe postcards that mimic the style of the magazine's sketches, complete with dreadful punchlines:

And finally, there's Ketel One, the official assimilation vodka of Gawker's favorite Negro. I'm sure you've seen their anti-ad ads—badly punctuated notes addressed "Dear Ketel One Drinker." I've been answering all of the Dutch distiller's missives from the get-go. Below, is my most recent response.

Earlier: Next Medium, Headstones?