Defamer Connections: Screenwriter Seeks Non-Embarrassing Oscar Night Companionship

We realize that those of you lucky enough to have scored a pair of tickets to Hollywood's biggest night might be too preoccupied with last-minute preparations to focus on hunting down your evening's crowning accessory: a poised and stunning arm-candy specimen, well-versed in red carpet and after-party etiquette (e.g. standing three feet behind your date at all times; smiling always, but never too broadly; remaining completely mute unless otherwise instructed, etc.). With time quickly running out, and escort services charging higher premiums than ever, it's hardly surprising that the desperate romantically adventurous should turn to Craigslist for their Oscar-night-companionship needs:

Hello,

It looks like due to a huge screenwriting windfall they want to give me 2 tickets to the Oscars. Being single right now means, yes, I need a date. So I thought I'd try to find a "real" date with someone outside my ususal circle of friends.

I'm 38, successful, I'm told I'm good looking, blondish hair with blue eyes, 185 pounds and 6 feet tall. The only thing I ask is that you can be discrete when staring at celebrities, and of course don't be embarrassing while we are at the after-parties. Drunk is fine (and fun), embarrassing is not.

I'd think we should meet up before for a drink and see if we hit it off. Please send a couple pictures when you reply, not just asking me to send one first. I posted this weeks ago and ended up with someone who flaked.

Thanks!

We can't guarantee that our bachelor's "huge screenwriting windfall" necessarily means he's up for an award, but here's a complete list of this year's screenwriting nominees anyway. Some cursory Googling using the details provided should narrow the field down considerably, so that by the time your sexy photos advance you to the interview rounds, you can dazzle your mystery date with custom-tailored small-talk, such as how "great it is that a 60-page outline still falls well within Academy guidelines of what constitutes a screenplay."