Live from the pages of The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life, we invited everyone's favorite frenemy to chime in from time to time on various hot topics. That's right, The Underminer has a Gawker column now. But keep trying! You'll get one someday! You trouper!
Brooklynites Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams have hit a rough patch in their relationship.
"They had a huge fight, and they're not speaking," a source told us last week, although a separate spy says things thawed a little over the Oscars weekend. Our spy spotted heath in the company of a gaggle of other women (although not misbehaving) without Michelle on Valentine's day at Teddy's in los Angeles.
Williams responded frostily to a question about their relationship during Fashion Week.
No no no, its nice to see you. I'm just a little distracted.
I'm just in a rush to get to my, um... my very very very close friend's place and I can't talk long because she is very distraught right now. My friend and her lifepartner are going through a little rough patch and I'm like their sort of anchor?
I am always like there for them? And she just really needs me right now. So I went to Cake Man Raven and got some of his famous Red Velvet Cake and have my DVD of Love, Actually, and we're just going to deep condition our hair and talk. You know, that's what friends are for...
But anyway hi. Weird, do you live here now, in Boerum Hill? I can't believe how hipstery it's getting.
Not you per se, I just mean it's getting so popular and full of the blathering blogger scene here, you know? Which makes me worry even more for my friends. It's just that they are in an um... industry that brings them a lot of notoriety and attention? And I don't need to tell you how creepy and relentless the non-famous caste, I mean, zombies, I mean normal people can be to people more successful than them? Especially when the successful people are going through a hard time.
I don't think it's anything big though. It's just that inevitable rough patch that happens to couples after a child comes into the relationship. The elation of caring for a new life wears off, and you have to contend with stomach viruses and earaches and lack of sleep, and your relationship begins to suffer. I mean I saw this happening with Paul and Jennifer after Stellan was born, and Maggie and Peter when they had their beautiful daughter Ramona, and Emily and Allessandro when Sam came.
Codependent? Oh right, your whole childless-by-choice soapbox. Actually no, it's not like that at all.
It's sort of a problem that happens when you are actually successful and fulfilled. For normal, non-noticed people it's hard to understand.
Like, I know you are still single, and, you know, you have your good life and graphic design job and hobbies and a Nerve.com profile and dreams.
But let me try to help you understand: Say you fell in love, finally, with someone who was your soulmate, and you both happened to be beautiful, had tons of money, and were having your ambitions realized.
I'll just pause for a moment so you can really imagine that.
So, you have a little fight with your soulmate, and you just want to walk outside and get some air. But you can't because if you do, some dickhead with a cellphone camera will take a photo of you crying or with puffy eyes and then it will appear on TMZ or some other hateful site and be blown out of proportion and even more add fuel to your own paranoia that something is wrong.
Oh hold on, it's my phone - Ledgey? Hey buddy. Yeah. I'm about to go over there, I just ran into an old friend on the street. No it's cool. They don't have any idea. Sweetheart. No I know you didn't mean it. No I'm sure nothing happened. Those shitty gossip merchants will say any— I know that, and 'Shelly knows that too, deep down. She loves you.
Sweetheart, stop crying. Just let things cool off. You're getting back from LA tonight? No of course you can sleep over. No I don't mind at all. It'll be like our hike in Peru last summer. OK, see you later tonight HeathyWeathy. I love you too.
Ugh, poor guy. He sounds so broken up. He always comes to me when he is sad. He just needs to be held and caressed in a completely open, true, bonding way that I for some weird reason can provide. I guess its because they see that I don't really want anything from them? That I see who they really are? It's hard for them. My friends. Because they are such open channels of honesty and emotion, so unafraid of their feelings, and being successful in their industry, they are like these conduits of emotion for the desperate, American public that have become so disconnected with their true selves because they are living simulated lives perpetuated by the Entertainment Industrial Complex which keeps them from feeling anything real.
Is...is that an Us Weekly in your bag? Funny. No! I'm not judging you. I just think it's funny.
Well I gotta go. Which way am I going? Actually, sorry I'd really rather not divulge that information at this time, not to be a bitch or anything.
I'll just stand here until you walk away. Bye now.