Like the rest of you, we've been deeply disturbed by the recent controversy concerning Kenneth Eng's infamous "I Hate Blacks" column. (Eng was dismissed from his position at Asian Week yesterday.) But then it occurred to us that we have two members of the Gawker family who might be able to help us heal the breach, or at least begin a dialogue, between blacks and Asians. We asked The Assimilated Negro and Spinachdip to get to the bottom of the enmity between the two communities. The results will make everyone feel a little better. Except maybe the gays.
Spinach: Okay, well, having read the article, my thoughts are sort of, "I'm not saying it's right, but I understand."
TAN: Ha! I totally liked the guy who wanted to defend it, saying, "ACTUALLY, some people do think this way..."
Spinach: Well, yeah ...people are kinda racist. My grandmother, for instance. She doesn't even try to hide it.
TAN: I hate you, chink. Go make me some General Tso's. Your grandma too. So, anyway, what do you think you agree with? I loved his citing of Rush Hour.
Spinach: Because, you know, that's the only point where my culture and your culture intersect. Jackie Chan is our representative and Chris Tucker yours.
TAN: Fuck that. Oprah and Obama are our representatives. Jackie Chan is yours.
Spinach: My grandmother, though, bless her heart, she told my sister, "You can marry an American, just don't bring back a black man."
TAN: Ha. I have a problem with the weak-willed comment. Aren't Asians notoriously pussy-willed? We definitely make shit happen .
Spinach: Fuck naw. If we don't get shit done, we commit ceremonial suicide. That's the ultimate price.
TAN: That's the ultimate pansy-ass passive-aggressive move. If we don't get shit done we loudly vocalize it and blame it on white people. And, uh, when did you guys fight the Russians?
Spinach: Couple of times, actually. At least Japan did.
TAN: Oh, aren't you Mister Smarty-Pants. "Look at me, with my knowledge of history."
TAN: Speaking of Asian wars, Vietnamese is easily my most favorite asian cuisine.
Spinach: Pho is cure for whateverthefuck ails you.
TAN: I do think you guys win on the religion tip. I'm totally not down with Christianity.
Spinach: Christianity is too dogmatic for me. People use it too much as a get-in-heaven-free card. Whereas Eastern beliefs tend to be more about philosophy. It's about how to think, rather than what to think.
TAN: Word. Plus, fortune cookies!!!
Spinach: You know, there's definitely a love-hate relationship between our cultures.
TAN: Yeah... you know the origins at all?
Spinach: Should I?
TAN: I think it started in the ghetto Chinese spots. Once you guys started serving up chicken that we liked, it tipped the balance of power and we got defensive.
TAN: Did you ever have a black guy cheat off your paper/test or anything like that in school?
Spinach: I actually went to an almost-all-white school. There were maybe two or three black kids in each class.
TAN: Did they cheat off you?
Spinach: I think everyone cheated off me, black or white.
TAN: Ha...you're such a smart Asian. Er, REDUNDANT! So what could we do to make things better? If we agree there is some truth to Eng's sentiment...
Spinach: I think, what happens is that the black American experience is almost the opposite of the Asian American experience, and that's where the tension comes in.
TAN: How so? You're talking about the small penis thing?
Spinach: THAT IS A MYTH! We'd be driving bigger cars if that was true.
TAN: How's the homosexuality jumpoff in the Asian community? Are you guys as homophobic as black people?
Spinach: Not really.
TAN: It seems like there might be more gay Asians around than standard homosexual percentages. [Oh, God, here we go. —Ed.]
Spinach: I can't speak for other Asian cultures, but homosexuality is, if not completely accepted, acknowledged.
TAN: Chop Sticks ... not just for food anymore!
Spinach: That's because the gay community loves the Gaysians.
Spinach: We generally don't have a lot of chest hair. Saves money on waxing.
TAN: Back to the rift: Between Chinese food, Wu Tang, and Lucy Liu, I cannot understand why we don't love each other. I actually think it's one-sided. Maybe Eng has a point: We eat your food, watch your movies, fuck your women ... and what do we give back? Ol' Dirty Bastard, the Inspector Deck, etc. Do you take anything from black culture? I mean, apart from our money? We support Asians over black people. Sigh.
Spinach: Yeah, well... Actually, if you go to any Asian community in California, you'll see these rice rockets with ridiculous bass speakers pumping out. Is E-40 still popular out there?
Spinach: That hyphy shit.
TAN: I don't know if that balances things out ... E-40 and hyphy vs. Chinese food and Lucy Liu?
Spinach: ...and you see those kids on St. Mark's with dreads and afros.
TAN: True. So have we concluded anything here?
Spinach: What are we doing here again?
TAN: i think we're either bridging the Negro-Asian gap, or making the rift wider.
Spinach: I blame my parents.
TAN: Ha, ME TOO!!!
Spinach: Here's what I think happens with my parents' generation: First-generation Asians come to America and see the poverty in black neighborhoods and think, "Why are they poor when we can make a living? It must be because they're lazy." Which isn't fair, of course - first generation immigrants are, by nature, entrepreneurial.
TAN: It's true, that is a difference. Eng doesn't even cite that. Asians work hard. Negroes party hard
Spinach: We're trying to change though
TAN: Us too... if only we could meet in the middle, we'd make the perfect human. Our big penises, your work ethic ...
Spinach: Too bad we can't mate.
TAN: We can... this is where Lucy Liu is so critical. We should convert Lucy Liu and Beyonce into breeders for a new generation of Negrasians
Spinach: Beyonce for Lucy Liu? I think that's a fair trade. We can throw in a couple more to make it work under the salary cap.
TAN: Alright, we probably have enough to give to our mutual enemy The White Man, don't you think?
Spinach: Yeah, I mean, it's not like we built a railroad here or anything. This should do. I'd hate to be the white man who edits this. [No fucking shit. —Ed.]
TAN: Ha... they can do something for a change.
Spinach: I should ask though, why do you hate us?
TAN: I envy your small penises and tapered jeans. Off to give this to Whitey. Wish me luck.
We wish both of you luck! And your communities. We're proud to have played a part, however small, in affecting rapprochement.