Monday Morning Box Office: 'Hogs' Shatters Opening Weekend Record For Cynical 'City Slickers' Knock-OffsIt's time once again to soothe the festering wounds of the weekend by slathering ourselves in the miraculous, healing unguent of the box office numbers:

(Also: SANJAYA 4-EVER, motherfuckers!)

1. Wild Hogs—$38 million
Buena Vista's marketing department really should have trusted John Travolta's instincts earlier in the campaign for Wild Hogs. A senior VP, relieved by Hogs' big opening, admitted to Box Office Mojo that "the tracking services had us at best in the mid-$20 million range." Had Travolta's groundbreaking idea to go on daytime talk shows to reenact some of the poignant scenes in which its disaffected protagonists finally throw off the shackles of their dishonest, suburban breeder lives and unleash the leather-daddy freaks within been implemented weeks ago, the movie might have cleared the $50 million barrier.

2. Zodiac—$13.1 million
As he reviews Zodiac's box office returns this morning, notoriously delicate thespian Jake Gyllenhaal is fighting back the tears threatening to erupt from his singularly dreamy eyes; during his darkest moments on David Fincher's sensitive-actor-pummeling shoot, he'd told himself that the pain of watching scores of takes wiped out by a single press of the director's delete key would all be worth it when the film opened at $20 million. With this middling debut in the low teens, Gyllenhaal can't help but feel that all of his suffering was for naught.

3. Ghost Rider—$11.5 million
Still pumped by Ghost Rider's success, Nicolas Cage has instructed his agents that he'll only consider material that will allow him to light his head on fire while doing an extended Elvis impression. This, of course, temporarily limits his projects to Rider sequels or sensationalist biopics focusing on the drug-abusing misadventures of The King's troubled, final days.

4. Bridge to Terabithia—$8.587 million
We officially apologize for never having read Bridge to Terabithia as a child. But we have a good excuse: We were raised in a cult based entirely on the teachings of The Chronicles of Narnia's messianic Lion (some refer to it as "Catholic school"), a stifling environment where no other children's literature was allowed.

8. Black Snake Moan—$4.016 million
To celebrate Moan's eighth place finish (really, that's not so bad for a movie about Sam Jackson chaining a white chick to a radiator), enjoy these videos of Christina Ricci's fine nude work in the film.