As noted philosopher Carrie Bradshaw once put it, the New York Times wedding announcements are "the straight woman's sports pages." Altarcations is all about scoring the game. Each week, we evaluate the latest newlyweds, based on an elaborate rating system, described below.

This week was a queer battle of the couples in Vows, what with the special ed teaching mothers and the wealthy professional fathers. We thought that the Greenberg-Slonim nuptials would surely take the lead (we loved the gratuitous mention of their "family" bench in Central Park), but it was boring, over-achieving Penn grads from New Jersey who ended up bringing home the bacon. How? How could such a travesty occur?

This week's rankings:

Gayle Greenberg, Matthew Slonim: 8 points

  • Gayle has an M.B.A. from U. Chicago: +1
  • Matthew is in real estate investment: +1
  • Matthew has an M.B.A. from NYU: +1
  • Matthew's parents are from New York City: +1
  • Matthew's father owns a law firm in New York "bearing his name":+2
  • During his insane, drawn out "Quest for Yes" scavenger hunt of a proposal, Matthew made Gayle "Go for a jog to the park bench in Central Park that had been donated by his parents" for no other reason than to show off: +2

Iris Lifshitz, Adam Lindenbaum: 10 points

  • Iris will continue to use her name professionally: -1
  • Adam's parents are from New York City: +1
  • Iris has a masters in social work from NYU:+1
  • Iris's mother is on the board of the American fund-raising and educational arm of the Holocuast museum in Jerusalem: +1
  • Adam is a high-powered lawyer: +2
  • Adam graduated from Cornell: +1
  • Adam received a law degree from St. John's: +1
  • Groom's mother is a special ed teacher, father marketing and advertising consultant: +3

Stacey Harris, Daniel Maman: the winners, with 12 points

  • Both went to U Penn: +2
  • Both graduated magna cum laude: +4
  • Stacey is an I-banker: +2
  • Stacey's mother is a special-ed teacher and father is a dentist: +3
  • Adam has an M.B.A. from Oxford: +3
  • Both from New Jersey: -2

Guide to Alexis' Patented Rating System—once again updated with your brilliant suggestions!

Investment banker: 2

Both Investment bankers: 5

Job involving the word "banker" OR "investment": +1

Both have jobs involving the word "banker" OR "investment": +3

Management Consultant: 1

Both management consultants: 3

Trader: 2

Both traders: 5

High-powered lawyer: 2

Both high-powered lawyers: 5

Teacher at a New York City or Connecticut private school: 2

Parents from New York City or wealthy suburb in Connecticut: 1

New York Times employee: 1

State Department employee: 2

Works in media: 1

Ivy league graduate: 1 *

Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne: 2*

Both Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne: 5*

For each subsequent degree after a B.A.: 1

If bride or groom attended/teach at any school with "Country Day" in

the name: +2

Graduated Cum Laude: 1

Graduated Magna Cum Laude: 2

Graduated Summa Cum Laude: 3

Woman is at ideal age for getting married (25): 1

Man is at ideal age for getting married (27): 1

For each member of couple over 35: -1

Couple met during or before their freshman year in college: +2

Bride or groom goes by middle name = +1

Mother a kindergarten teacher or reading specialist/father is a

wealthy professional= +3

If the groom is Jewish and the bride Asian: +2

If the groom is Asian and the bride is Jewish: -1

The bride/bridegroom's first marriage ended in divorce: -2

Descendant/related to somebody famous: +3

Descendant of a founding father: +4

Parent is a trustee or board member of a company or organization: +1

per company/org

Bride or Groom is a board member of a company or organization: +1 per


Bride "is keeping her name", "will continue to use her name professionally": -1

If there is a Jr., II, III or IV in a name: +2

If someone famous comes to the wedding and is mentioned: +2

If wedding ceremony held at Bethesda by the Sea in Palm Beach, and/or

reception under a tent at the bride's grandmother's house in P.B: +2

Bride clearly quits her job after the wedding: +1

Married by an Episcopal priest: +1

*Apply to graduate school degrees in addition to B.A.s