Earlier today, Intern Alexis deemed Stacey Harris and Daniel Maman winners of this week's Altarcations competition, largely on the strength of their Ivy League pedigrees and despite the fact that they're both from New Jersey. But third-place groom Matthew Slonim isn't taking his loss quietly! We received the following ALL-CAPS telegram-stylee comminiqu from one Howard Slonim, father of the groom. (Also, we're 99.9% certain that Mr. Slonim is also the head of the Lower East Side Business Improvement District; the one who expressed ambivalence about granting additional liquor licenses in the area. Boo!) Anyway, it's possibly the most awesome email we've ever received!
March 5, 2007
A RESPONSE TO YOUR RATINGS FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 3-4, 2007,
YOUR WEBSITE SHOULD BE REGULATED AND LIMITED ONLY TO BE ABLE TO MAKE REFERENCES TO CULT WEDDINGS AND NUPTUALS AT ASHRAMS OR PROMULGATED IN COUNTRIES THAT RECOGNIZE PRE-ARRANGED MARRIAGES.
YOUR NEGATIIVE POINT SCALE ATTACHED TO THE WEDDING OF MATTHEW L. SLONIM AND GAYLE GREENBERG ( SLONIM ) INDICATES THE FOLLOWING FACTS;
GAWKER DID NOT INVESTIGATE THE TEXT INFORMATION SUBMITTED BY THE NEWLYWEDS VERSUS THE FINAL PUBLICATION AS ALTERED BY THE PUBLICATION. GAWKER MINUS 3 points
THE LAW FIRM OF THE FATHER OF THE GROOM MUST HAVE THE SURNAME OF A PARTICIPANT AS REQUIRED BY THE ETHICS OF THE PROFESSION—WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE TITLED ' GET RICH WEBSITE BY TOUCHING ME ' PROFESSIONAL ENTITY . GAWKER MINUS 2 POINTS.
YOUR CHAGRIN AT TWO YOUNG PEOPLE OBTAINING ADVANCED DEGREES WHEN 'THE WORLD IS FLAT ' AND AMERICA IS OUTSOURCING ON A DAILY BASIS IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE. GAWKER MINUS 4 POINTS
YOUR NEGATIVE POINT SYSTEM FOR MY SON'S QUEST FOR YES SHOWS YOUR INSENSITIVITY TO THE USE OF YOUR IMAGINATION IN THE MATING GAME. GAWKER MINUS 2 points.
LASTLY, MY ANSWERING YOUR CHOCOLATE PUDDING WEBSITE AN OFFSHOOT OF A NO NAME UNIVERSITY IS THE ONLY POSITIVE POINTS YOU WILL RECEIVE. GAWKER PLUS 3 points
THUS THE EIGHT NEGATIVE POINTS FOR MATTHEW AND GAYLE SLONIM SHOULD BE EXTINGUISHED. PLEASE PUBLISH THE RESPONSE TO ALL THOSE WHO READ YOUR INITIAL DIATRIBE.
HOWARD SLONIM THE FATHER OF THE GROOM ——- THE NEXT SEQUEL WITH STEVE MARTIN.