The Sun does not shine.
The Post's not that bright.
But compared to the News,
They're both brilliance and light.

I sat there with Emily
And saw the new site.
We said, "Oh, how we wish
They could do something right!"

"Too ugly and boring
Not worth many clicks.
They must think their readers.
Are ignorant hicks."

So all we could think was
Shit!
Shit!
Shit!
Shit!
And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.

And then
Something went BUMP!
How that bump made us jump!

We looked!
Then we saw him step in on the mat!
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Zuck in the Hat!
And he said to us,
"Why do you sit there like that?"

"I know it is bad
It's so bad it's not sunny.
But we can have
Lots of good fun and lose money!"

"I know that there's nothing to read,"
Said the Zuck.
"I know the thing blows.
It's quite clear, you dumb fuck.
The paper is awful.
That much is true.
But the readers
Don't seem to mind, why should you?"

Then Emily and I
Did not know what to say.
We knew most of the readers
Were drifting away.

"Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!" said the Zuck.
"We'll trick out new features,
I swear we're not stuck."
Why, we can have
Fun through the day and the night.
With a game that I call
Crappy redesigned site!"

"Not a chance," we both said.
"This is no fun at all!
Your site's less exciting
Than watching the wall."

"Have no fear!" said the Zuck.
"There'll be plenty of joy.
You can always read something
In Rush & Molloy!
And Widdicombe too - why, that lad is a treat —
Our gossip is great. We just cannot be beat!

But that is not ALL I can do!"
Said the Zuck.
"I give you Mike Lupica!
Okay, he's a schmuck."

The Zuck took a seat
And he finally looked beat.
The Zuck had a face full
Of loss and defeat.

"Yes, my paper does blow,"
Said the Zuck in the Hat.
"Did you see that Seuss thing today?
What was that?"

"My paper is tired and silly and flat.
What can I do?" asked the Zuck in the Hat.

Should we tell him about it?
Now, what SHOULD we do?
Well...
What would YOU do
If some rich fuck asked YOU?

Just what the doctor wrote [NYDN]

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