As noted philosopher Carrie Bradshaw once put it, the New York Times wedding announcements are "the straight woman's sports pages." Altarcations is all about scoring the game. Each week, we evaluate the latest newlyweds, based on an elaborate rating system, described below.

When we saw that someone named Ambrose Car III was getting married we were sure he and his wife Elizabeth would come out on top, but even with Elizabeth's certificate in decorative and fine arts from Sotheby's and AC III's gingham shirt, the points just didn't add up. Brown couple Rebecca Traub and Jeffrey Chang were pretty neck and neck with St. Ann's royalty Hannah Swacker and Jesse Kurnit, but the fact that Jeffrey was Asian and Rebecca Traub was Jewish lost them a point. Behold the Penn-grad-free results!

Hannah Swacker, Jesse Kurnit : 8 points

  • Hannah's parents are from New York City: +1
  • Jesse is 27 (ideal age for man): +1
  • Hannah works at St. Ann's, attended St. Ann's, and her father is a
  • teacher at St. Ann's: +3
  • Jesse's mother is a nursery school teacher/father is a marketing consultant: +3

    Elizabeth Galbreath, Ambrose Carr III: 6 points
  • Ambrose has a "III" in his name: +2
  • Elizabeth's parents are from Greenwich: +1
  • Elizabeth has a certificate in decorative and fine arts from Sotheby's: +2
  • Ambrose is 41: -1
  • Ambrose is a financial planner: +1
  • Ambrose is wearing a gingham shirt in the picture: +1

    Rebecca Traub, Jeffrey Chang: 6 points
  • Jeffrey Asian, Rebecca Jewish: -1
    Jeffrey went to Brown: +1
    Rebecca went to Brown: +1
    Both received medical degrees from Brown: = +4
    Rebecca's parents from NYC: +1
  • Guide to Alexis' Patented Rating System—once again updated with your brilliant suggestions!
  • Investment banker: 2
    Both Investment bankers: 5
    Job involving the word "banker" OR "investment": +1
    Both have jobs involving the word "banker" OR "investment": +3
    Management Consultant: 1
    Both management consultants: 3
    Trader: 2
    Both traders: 5
    High-powered lawyer: 2
    Both high-powered lawyers: 5
    Teacher at a New York City or Connecticut private school: 2
    Parents from New York City or wealthy suburb in Connecticut: 1
    New York Times employee: 1
    State Department employee: 2
    Works in media: 1
    Ivy league graduate: 1 *
    Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne: 2*
    Both Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne: 5*
    For each subsequent degree after a B.A.: 1
    -Ivy league B.A. with graduate degree at low-ranking local
    college/university: -1"
    If bride or groom attended/teach at any school with "Country Day" in
    the name: +2
    Graduated Cum Laude: 1
    Graduated Magna Cum Laude: 2
    Graduated Summa Cum Laude: 3
    Woman is at ideal age for getting married (25): 1
    Man is at ideal age for getting married (27): 1
    For each member of couple over 35: -1
    Couple met during or before their freshman year in college: +2
    Bride or groom goes by middle name = +1
    Mother a nursery school/kindergarten teacher or reading
    specialist/father is a wealthy professional= +3
    If the groom is Jewish and the bride Asian: +2
    If the groom is Asian and the bride is Jewish: -1
    The bride/bridegroom's first marriage ended in divorce: -2
    Descendant/related to somebody famous: +3
    Descendant of a founding father: +4
    Groom wearing gingham in picture: +1
    Parent is a trustee or board member of a company or organization: +1
    per company/org
    Bride or Groom is a board member of a company or organization: +1 per
    Bride "is keeping her name", "will continue to use her name professionally": -1
    If there is a Jr., II, III or IV in a name: +2
    If someone famous comes to the wedding and is mentioned: +2
    If wedding ceremony held at Bethesda by the Sea in Palm Beach, and/or
    reception under a tent at the bride's grandmother's house in P.B: +2
    Bride clearly quits her job after the wedding: +1
    Married by an Episcopal priest: +1
  • *Apply to graduate school degrees in addition to B.A.s