The Cat Psychic Truth Is Out There

Much as we admire the whippersnappers who bring us Weekend Gawker, we must take issue with their decision to award the coveted "Best cat-related remark" T.M.I. award to someone other than Sue Pike, who is a "slender 45 year old" from Prospect Heights who is "in the field of animal communications." That's right: Sue is a kitty psychic! The Times finds her tending to the needs of aggressive Gatti and shy Lola, whose voices she channels in a "high-pitched girlish tone." After the jump, Gawker's own Mulder and Scully (guess who is who!) try to figure out whether Sue really has the power of sight beyond sight. Hint: no.

Balk Btw Okay, so as a cat lady who goes to yoga and believes in bad energy and shit like that, I assume you found yourself nodding your head in agreement at the cat whisperer story yesterday.
Memily I immediately wondered what her rates were like. I mean, not to overshare and bore you with my cat lady ness like always? But my cats have been having the weirdest gay fights lately, and I think Sue Pike could help them out. Last night Johnny sat on Raffles for like fifteen minutes, alternately forcibly licking his head and kicking him in the face.
Balk Btw Is Raffles like third option name for cat?
So many Raffles. Why?
Memily What are 1 and 2, Chairman Meow and Fluffy?
What is the name of Choire's cat again, "Cat"? How Holly Golightly. Why don't you have a pet?
Balk Btw I don't believe you should allow animals in your home. But particularly felines. "Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat!"
Memily You really hate everything that is good in life, don't you? I mean, besides VICES.
Balk Btw Let's back up a bit and talk about all the hippie crap. What the fuck is reiki? It sounds like something David Chang would put in a burrito.
Memily Reiki is what Brenda Chenoweth did on Six Feet Under. Or are you also too heterosexual for Six Feet Under?
Balk Btw Uh, yes. That guy lost me with the bag floating in the sky.
Memily You really can't still hold that bag against that guy. It's like massage except there is no actual touching
Balk Btw Oh, so it's like a middle school handjob? What the fuck? How does that work?
Memily The reiki-er, like, absorbs all your "negative engergy." It's basically the most woo-woo crystal-wearing incense-burning thing ever.
Balk Btw I assume you've tried it.
Memily It's like the one lapse in my hippieness that I haven't.
I mean, I'm a poor hippie. If I'm going to be getting woo woo alternatreatments, I at least want to be prodded or steamed or poked with needles to feel like i'm getting my $$'s worth. Why not just lie there and imagine that a massage is happening to you? That's free! Well, it would probably work better if you were high, so not quite free, but close.
Balk Btw I love that they found a vet who believes in it. "I can't say anything about the communication elements," Dr. Voulgaris said, "but I've heard a lot of good things about reiki. The lymphatic system, blood flow, neurons — the body's health is all about energy flow and making sure it's unblocked." Yeah, no wonder you didn't make it into people-medical school.
Memily I like her bet-hedging. "Communication elements!" And I love Sue's psychic insight into the cat named Lola's personality issues. The owner is all "she belonged to a friend originally, and he was really crazy."
Memily And Sue has a flash of intuition:
"Yikes! Not good. I'm seeing her being hit."
Balk Btw I KNOW! It's almost like, "She hasn't had her tuna all week." And Sue puts on cat voice and goes "I worry about mercury contamination."
Memily It's like when you go to a psychic and the psychic is like "I sense indecisiveness and questioning in you ... you're not sure what you want from life. "And you're like "Oh wow, it's like you know me! And also that you have eyes and can see that I'm in my 20s!"
Balk Btw Ha! I love how she herself says "Most people who come to me for healings are already open to some level," she said. "If someone is narrow-minded and thinks all forms of self-help are hogwash, then I won't even go there. I'm not out to change people's minds." It's like, I know there are plenty of people who are dumb enough to come to me! I don't need to chase business.
Balk Btw So Sue herself. Charlatan, fraud, or touched by the hand of whatever hippe goddess you people believe in?
Memily Gaia.
Memily I don't think I'll be able to know until I see whether she can get Johnny to stop dancing on Raffles' face. But based on this article, I might be tempted to go with fraud/charlatan. I don't think Gatti released his bad feelings.
Balk Btw NO!
Balk Btw You're supposed to be the credulous one here. Er, sorry, the "believer."
Memily Oh, sorry! Right, Scully!
Memily I mean, I would like Sue to offer her services to me pro bono. I promise that I'm not "narrow."
Balk Btw Sue, if you read Gawker, get in touch!
Memily Phew, I think we are done
Balk Btw Admit that you tried reading the article out loud doing Sue's cat voice and we can wrap up.
Memily "I don't like sharing with the other kitty."
Balk Btw But did you do the hairball impression?
Memily I will do it right now if you don't stop bothering me.
Memily HORK!
Balk Btw And, scene.

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