As noted philosopher Carrie Bradshaw once put it, the New York Times wedding announcements are "the straight woman's sports pages." Altarcations is all about scoring the game. Each week, we evaluate the latest newlyweds, based on an elaborate rating system, described below.

Right out of the gate this week, Rona Shalev and David Kraut were looking like strong contenders, but David's 24-inspired proposal involving the "Situation Room"—as in, his bedroom, eww—cost them some points. Sara Luft and Joshua Wechter were also looking good, mostly thanks to Joshua's two undergrad degrees from Penn, but their meet-cute story involving pantyhose was just too Bridget Jones's Diary. Enter Patricia Haggerty and Brian Dodwell. Brian's dad owns Nisbet Plantation Beach Club in Nevins and is a member of the lower house of Bermuda's parliament. Bermuda, of course, is our favorite self-governing British colony!

Patricia Haggerty, Brian Dodwell: 8 points

  • Patricia studying for MA in education at George Mason University: +1
  • Patricia is an elementary school teacher: +1
  • Brian has MA in national security studies from Georgetown: +1
  • Mother teaches at private school, father owns a beach club with the word "Plantation" in it in Nevis: +3
  • Father is a member of the lower house of Bermuda's parliament: +2
  • Rona Shalev, David Kraut: 7 points
  • David's parents from New York City: +1
  • Rona has PhD from Yeshiva University: +1
  • Rona's mother co-founded a kosher dessert catering business in Great Neck: +1
  • David is an associate at Debevoise & Plimpton: +2
  • David graduated cum laude from Yale: +3
  • David was a Coro fellow at NYU Law: +2
  • David and Rona met online: -1
  • In his proposal to Rona, David made a musical spoof of 24, because, as he put it, "we both enjoy the show." At the end of the video, the screen went blank and an announcement came on saying, "report to The Situation Room," aka David's bedroom, where he proposed: -2
  • Sara Luft, Joshua Wechter: 6 points
  • Sara is an I-banker: +2
  • Joshua works in real estate investment: +1
  • Joshua has two undergraduate degrees from Upenn (one in history, one in management): +2
  • Couple met during junior year of high school at "National Young Leaders" conference: +1
  • Couple married by a Cantor: +1
  • During the Young Leaders conference, Sara walked into the elevator with her skirt tucked into pantyhose; Joshua was first one to tease her, and later recalled: "I was very attracted to Sara when I first met her." For his assman-related tendencies, we're going to have to give them: -1

    Guide to Alexis' Patented Rating System—once again updated with your brilliant suggestions!
  • Investment banker: 2
    Both Investment bankers: 5
    Job involving the word "banker" OR "investment": +1
    Both have jobs involving the word "banker" OR "investment": +3
    Management Consultant: 1
    Both management consultants: 3
    Trader: 2
    Both traders: 5
    High-powered lawyer: 2
    Both high-powered lawyers: 5
    Teacher at a New York City or Connecticut private school: 2
    Parents from New York City or wealthy suburb in Connecticut: 1
    New York Times employee: 1
    State Department employee: 2
    Bride is an elementary school teacher: 1
    Works in media: 1
    Ivy league graduate: 1 *
    Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne: 2*
    Both Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne: 5*
    For each subsequent degree after a B.A.: 1
    -Ivy league B.A. with graduate degree at low-ranking local
    college/university: -1"
    If bride or groom attended/teach at any school with "Country Day" in
    the name: +2
    Coro fellow at NYU Law: +1
    Graduated Cum Laude: 1
    Graduated Magna Cum Laude: 2
    Couple met online: -1
    Graduated Summa Cum Laude: 3
    Woman is at ideal age for getting married (25): 1
    Man is at ideal age for getting married (27): 1
    For each member of couple over 35: -1
    Couple married by a Cantor: +1
    Couple met during or before their freshman year in college: +2
    Bride or groom goes by middle name: +1
    Mother a nursery school/kindergarten teacher or reading
    specialist/father is a wealthy professional= +3
    If the groom is Jewish and the bride Asian: +2
    If the groom is Asian and the bride is Jewish: -1
    The bride/bridegroom's first marriage ended in divorce: -2
    Descendant/related to somebody famous: +3
    Descendant of a founding father: +4
    Groom wearing gingham in picture: +1
    Parent is a trustee or board member of a company or organization: +1
    per company/org
    Parent is a member of the Bermuda parliament: +2
    Bride or Groom is a board member of a company or organization: +1 per
    Bride "is keeping her name", "will continue to use her name professionally": -1
    If there is a Jr., II, III or IV in a name: +2
    If someone famous comes to the wedding and is mentioned: +2
    If wedding ceremony held at Bethesda by the Sea in Palm Beach, and/or
    reception under a tent at the bride's grandmother's house in P.B: +2
    Bride clearly quits her job after the wedding: +1
    Married by an Episcopal priest: +1
  • *Apply to graduate school degrees in addition to B.A.s
  • Earlier: Hanna Swacker and Jesse Kurnit