Uma Thurman and Andre Balazs's Heartbreaking, Nosebreaking Breakup

We were saddened to receive word via email from extratv.com, of all people, that Uma Thurman and Andre Balazs, her hotelier shorter-half, have once more, and presumably finally, called it quits. Well, they had a good run... we think.

Or did they?

If, like us, you sort of believe every bit of celebrity gossip you read, even when the stories contradict each other—so that in your mind it's like a magical realism novel in which a character can be simultaneously alive and dead, straight and gay, cokeheady and straightedge, married and single, 32 and 25—you'll probably be on board with our theory that this breakup has something to do with a recent Gatecrasher blind item.

Remember? The one about a "glamazon" actress who broke her boyfriend's nose in a fit of pique, then had to pretend to dump him, or they had to hide out for a few months, so that he could avoid the spotlight until his face healed? So following that "logic," we are forced to conclude that either Andre was so humiliated that the world now knows he's a victim of man-abuse that he dumped his tall lady friend, or that Uma damaged his face again. We eagerly await confirmation of one or the other theory. Meanwhile, we'll continue to believe both.