Dear Cary Tennis, Salon Advice Columnist,
I was raised in a house where you only got spanked when you really crossed the line. As such, I grew up thinking of physical violence as a last resort kind of thing. I'm quick to anger, sure, but I never act out on it. Which is why I'm so alarmed by my recent urges. There's this guy on the Internet—let's call him Larry Hennis. Every time I read this guy, I want to smack the shit out of him. Like, really inflict some pain. I don't know what it is: the ridiculous advice he dispenses, his "I'm not a professional and clearly do not even know how to cook my own dinner, but I'll still tell you how to live your life" demeanor, or the stupid ad I've got to sit through before the latest long-winded bloviation. I swear, I just want to knock that fucking hat and the smug expression that accompanies it off of his stupid slab of a face. Oh! My question is: Where can I find him?
I Will Hunt You Down And Hurt You
You'd be surprised how many letters I get like this. Whoever this Larry is, he's sure made a lot of enemies. I'd hate to be under his fedora. Still, violence never solved anything. I suggest you relax, read some Alice Miller, and direct your attention to the woman who writes Slate's Dear Prudence column. Now there's one bitch who deserves to get cut.