Each Monday, Intern Alexis uses a rigorous scale to rank the happy pair-bonds cemented in the Times wedding announcements. But surely, the Times can't contain all the nuptial bliss to be experienced in the metro area. Ergo, the Post's weddings section, where the couples require a more flexible scale that can take into consideration differences in, say, life experience. And body type.

Clandestine champagne in City Hall, python shoes matching gold drapes, consumated J-Date hookups, and a guy who, like an intemperate bar mitzvah boy, wouldn't get married unless the ceremony was football-themed. The magic realism never stops in this weekend's Post weddings.

Rekha Pillai and Anuj Puppala

  • Rekha needed gold shoes for the wedding. Anuj checked the trunk of the car and confirmed that said gold shoes were there. "But the only shoes in the trunk were a python-print pair - obviously not ones that I could wear for the wedding!": +3
  • Above can be explained by the following: Wedding Palace! "The Bronx couple exchanged vows and had their reception at the Palace at Somerset Park, N.J., in a room swathed in stunning rust and gold drapery": +5
  • Rekha's a Goldman Sachs business analyst; Anuj is an orthopedic surgeon: -50
  • World Peace (Foods/Dancing) Alert: "The newlyweds and their 360 guests celebrated by dining on American cuisine and dancing to Indian and American music": +42

Total: 0

Jeffrey William and Maria Chunikhia

  • Married at City Hall: +10
  • "[T]he couple brought a bottle of champagne with them to city hall, chilled in a duffel bag full of ice": +25
  • One-month courtship. Relationship began at 21-year-old Maria's workplace; engagement came with 36-year-old Jeffrey's proposal "in a club with some friends": +10
  • Maria is "a bartender in Queens": +5
  • Jeffrey is "an artist living in downtown Brooklyn": -51

Total: -1

Lana Passaro and Joe Bogert

  • "The pair had two wedding cakes, two honeymoons and - a gift from the bride to her groom - two special guests: his favorite football players of all time, Joe Klecko and Marty Lyons": +73 (Joe Klecko's jersey number) + 93 (Lyons's) = +166
  • Lana is a "laser aesthetician": +15
  • "Bridesmaids wore winter-themed muffs instead of carrying flowers": +15
  • "After-party at Slate, a Manhattan pool hall": Take cubed root of subtotal.

Total: 5.08089

Vatalina Llano and Simon De Gagn

  • Bride admits, ""I always thought the Internet thing was tacky and strange": + : (
  • Until she met the groom through email: +5
  • He is a "steam fitter for an oil company": +5
  • She "works with a jewelry designer in Manhattan": -20
  • Married at City Hall: +10
  • World Peace (Peoples) Alert: "'A woman from New York from a Colombian family marrying a French Canadian from Montreal,' Llano says, still in partial disbelief. 'You never know!': +1

Total: 1

Yuriy Teyf and Oksana Ginzburg

  • TVs for slide-shows broke down during reception—TWO OF THEM: +5 (x 2) = +10
  • Wedding Palace! Couple "exchanged vows at Passage Palace in their home borough, Brooklyn":
  • Met on J-Date last March: :-|
  • World Peace (Dancing/Foods) Alert: "Afterward, guests dined on a delicious mix of American and Russian fare and danced to a band playing American hits": +42
  • Oksana is a financial associate at Lehman Brothers: -50

Total: 2

Winner: Even with an exponentially lame reception locale (no Palaces here), Lana Passaro and Joe Bogert run away with the field, thanks to wedding aesthetics of laser-like precision. If we had a rational numbers-only rule, Teyf and Ginzberg's audiovisual difficulties would have carried the day.

Featured Weddings [NYP]