Grading Keach Hagey: How Has It Only Been Four Weeks?

Last week we noted some improvement in Voice Press Clips columnist Keach Hagey's third column. We've been waiting patiently since then to see what Week Four would bring. It just came in over the RSS wire, so let's take a look!

God, we don't even know what to do with this. It's a piece about that recent Columbia Journalism School panel (former Voice editor and Columbia Commie David Blum still lives!) that featured NYT M.E. Jill Abramson and The American Prospect's Robert Kuttner and... URK, WHA? WHERE ARE WE? No, stay awake, you can do this.

Let's see: Keach starts the piece by noting how the lights began to fail during Abramson's presentation, which provides a natural metaphor for the Times' declining fortune in the—HEY NOW. Sorry. This is hard. It's like a solo piano recital by Philip Glass but without the deft fingering! Heh. Fingering. What? Okay, summary! Some people said things. Some people were quiet. Keach uses the line "You could have heard a mouse click," to signify the awkward silence (because the Internet is destroying print, see).

Keach makes two references to the film Dark Victory, which is just sad. Or maybe she's a gay fella! Though we must note that humorist David Rakoff once said, "You can suck a mile of cock; it does not make you Oscar Wilde." Similarly, a couple Bette Davis mentions don't put you anywhere near Michael Musto. Except, we guess, in the front of the book.

RATING: We're gonna take a pass on this one. Yes, it was incredibly boring, but this was apparently the fuck-all boringest panel in the history of fuck-all boring paneldom and, as our work today indicates, it's damn near impossible to spin tiny gold leprechaun sweaters out of two tiny piles of goat shit. We'll give it another shot next week, but we are rapidly running out of Ritalin. This didn't help.

Cheers, Mate! The BBC Is the Future of Your Paper. Maybe. [VV]
Previously: Grading Keach Hagey: Her Third Column!