Stalk of the Town: Julianna Margulies' Magnum, P.I.

The time: 6 p.m.
The date: March 18th
The place: Duane Reade, 378 Sixth Avenue
Sighted: "Spotted Julianna Margulies in the checkout line at Duane Reade. She was hugging on a guy (cute, salt and pepper hair, aviator glasses). His purchases included deodorant, saline solution and a nice big box of Trojan Magnum condoms."

Very rarely do we, the people, get a glimpse into the elusive world of celebrity mating habits. Typically, we're always the last to know when a celebrity couple has consummated their relationship. A night-vision sex video here, a bastard child there, and a Madame Tussaud's wax effigy are the only ways we can know for absolute certain that a couple has indeed sexified.

Friends, in this very special edition of Stalk of the Town, we have the rare opportunity to witness the preliminary stages of celebrity courting rituals, which invariably occur at Duane Reade. Watch as Julianna Margulies and her mystery George Clooney imitating-beau initiate us in the ways of celebrity first-time boneracity.

Whereas peasants and commoners try to lure prospective mates by sprinkling beds with crushed rose petals or double-timing it on the Tony Little Gazelle, peasants and commoners who aspire to have sex with celebrities must pack overnight bags of presumption and cockiness at Duane Reade with all the sleepover sex essentials- deodorant, saline solution and a BOX OF TROJAN MAGNUM CONDOMS to encase their humongous weiners. Julianna's man knows that in order to seal this deal, his Snake on a Plane better put Nurse Hathaway in the ER, stat—this time for treatment.

Unfortunately, extensive water balloon testing reveals that Magnums are pretty much the same size as regular condoms, and Julianna will be in for a disappointment because it is highly likely that the Sig. Oth's snake on a plane is merely a snail on a Vespa. Now if they were Magnum XLs, that would be a different story.

Editors note: Skeptics may ask how we can be sure that Julianna and beau were boning for the first time. The answer is patently obvious: people only use condoms if a) the woman is not on the pill, b) one of them has a raging venereal disease or c) they are having sex for the first time. Immediately discounting a) because everyone's on the pill, we can also eliminate possibility b) because certain authors of certain columns may or may not have seen Julianna naked in the locker room at Soho Equinox, not that anyone was looking, not that anyone cares, and not that there's anything wrong with that. Using the foolproof logic that managed to stem the AIDS epidemic oh so well, if someone looks clean, he or she IS clean. Therefore, c) must be the answer.