Gawker Underminer: No Impact Whatsoever

Live from the pages of The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life, we invited everyone's favorite frenemy to chime in from time to time on various hot topics. That's right, The Underminer has a Gawker column now. But keep trying! You'll get one someday! You trouper!

Michelle?

Is that you? You look so different. No not bad, just, like, pale. Are you sick? What's wrong? Is everything—

Oh that's right, you are doing that No Impact thing with your husband Colin.

That's so cute you're doing that! I mean cool! Cutely cool!

I remember how challenging it was when my boyfriend Viggo and I did it in 2003.

Me? Oh yes, totally. Well, Viggo was done with this... um... project he was doing in New Zealand and we fell in love with the country. I was living with him in a tent at the time and we decided we would try to live No Impact too and spend a year together traveling in a No Impact way. So we crafted a schooner using only locally found naturally-fallen teak wood, and then we sailed around the world, only eating the fruits, legumes and nuts of the lands in a 100 mile radius of our homemade craft. But if you ask me, I think we really survived on love.

How is your greenhouse cabbage and fruit scrap vinegar mush? That's a great starter-No Impact recipe. Maybe one day I can come over and make my very own No Impact sun-cooked ratatouille with heirloom fingerling potatoes in a gooseberry coulis. It's hard to source the gooseberries, but I know a guy!

Hey, can I tell you something kind of personal? Okay. You promise not to be offended? Your breath is kind of stale. No, it's not that bad! Just, like ... baking soda and parsnips. Here. Have this gum - oh, shoot, you can't. Well perhaps a chunk of sasparilla root? Maybe you can find it in Central Park. I remember near the end of our trip when Viggo and I were taking the schooner up the Hudson, we would chew on it before we shared full-mouthed, loving, passionate kisses.

Eep! I gotta get going. I am in such a rush! I have to run and get my flu shot, since the HP51 virus is definitely definitely coming this year, and then I—

Yea, I read an article about it in the Science Times. You didn't know? Oh right...you can't buy the newspaper. "Paper" is sort of a no-no, right? Well, yes, it's definitely coming, so it's sort of a really good time to just eat healthy and take vitamins and vary your diet, so as not to compromise your immune system. But I'm sure you'll be fine.

Um, I hope this doesn't sound morbid but I wonder if you have a plan about what to do if you died? No, it's just a crucial part of living No Impact that a lot of people who do it don't really think about, you know? I'm just thinking that you and Colin should really maybe secure a plan? Because death can be very high impact on the environment? Like, you can't be embalmed, because then you'll just be like a big leaking ball of pollutants and chemicals. (Just think what Anna Nicole Smith's body is doing to the environment! They should put her in a cooling tank for 50 years until the toxins in her body half-life.) And as you know, you shouldn't be cremated: carbon emission city!

Of course, yes, one of those "green" cemetaries would be best, but the closest one is out of the state, and your body would have to be transported, which would, dum da dum dum: create carbon emissions.

Maybe just to be truly No Impact, you should make a living will and designate that your body be buried locally? Oop! A will has to be written down. Paper. Darn it that pesky paper thing! Well perhaps you should scratch your will into the side of your door?

Well anyway I gotta get going. I'm meeting Al Gore, Melissa Etheridge, Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Kolbert, Amory Lovins and some others on Randalls Island, just to talk about sustainable living, in a sort of more important larger civilization sense. Not that what you are doing isn't important! Oh dear I am so late!

What?

Um...no of course I would love it if you joined me. Yes, by all means. But, wait, you can't use a boat. Darn. Your scooter won't work on water will it? Ha ha, just jokin'! Well keep it up, you No Impact trouper! Be good to yourself. And call any time you need help or food or light.

Be good to yourself.

Earlier:The Poe-Biz