The E!Vacuation: With The Threat Behind Us, It's Time For Healing

In the interest of achieving some measure of closure following the scare that necessitated a hasty evacuation of E!'s Wilshire Boulevard headquarters and temporarily brought the celebrity-fellating broadcasting giant to its already-bruised knees, we share the reassuring e-mail note awaiting the network's refugees upon their safe return to their cubicles:

Thank you for your cooperation today. We wanted to provide an update. The network did receive a threat today in the form of a phone call. Since we take every possible security breach seriously, we evacuated and searched the building under LAPD supervision. Once it was determined there was no danger, we invited all E! employees to returned to the building. Thank you again for your participation in helping us to ensure everyone's safety. Enjoy the rest of your day. —Facilities Management

Now that the staff has been assured there's no further danger from an anonymous malefactor obviously bent on one day producing a 101 Most Explosive Entertainment Channel Bomb Scares! countdown show, they can go back to their daily routine of patiently waiting for future evacuations related to the periodic escape of the toxic gases percolating in the ancient tar pits upon which their building stands. Later this afternoon, those who've suffered lasting emotional damage from the ordeal will be encouraged by E!'s human resources department to meet once a year on this date to discuss their lingering feelings about the harrowing, could-have-been tragic events of 3/28.

UPDATE: OK, one last thing, we promise. E!'s official statement, just for the record: "We can confirm that the E! office at 5750 Wilshire received a threat today. The building was evacuated and searched under LAPD supervision. Once it was determined there was no danger, all E! employees returned to the building. All E! programming will air as scheduled."