How Michael Bay Screwed Up 'Transformers': A Poem

Hollywood Elsewhere has reposted a "wrap poem" penned by an anonymous Transformers "inside operator" who apparently was so overjoyed by the job visionary filmmaker Michael Bay did with the project that he was inspired to express his elation in verse, a work that was originally posted to (and then quickly removed from) an unnamed "certain website," but which was saved by a helpful cut-and-pasting web archivist and has been subsequently popping up in inboxes (including ours, more than once) all over town.

TRANSFORMERS WRAP POEM

The film is a wrap?
Wow, how about that!
It's still loads of crap.
And the Stooges swallow this pap?

[Producer Don] Murphy and [producer Tom] Desanto lead the cheerleader charge
While Skorponok takes credit by and large.
The fact is today
There is nothing okay
The content of the film's not fit for a barge.

Let your sugary friend answer the clamor All you sweet kiddles want in on the drama? The trouble beginning to end Is named A-D-A-M Goodman [DreamWorks president of production]

New studio head [Stacey] Snider
Decided him to fire
But then in a Hail Mary pass
Goodman kissed the right piece of ass

"Do not fire me, no do not please"
The chubby young Goodman said on his knees
I can do something you don't want to do
I can control Michael Bay just for you.

New studio head Snider
Knew he's a liar
But decided to stay out of the mess
"Sure Mr. Chubwon, you control Bay-san
And keep this boy's movie shit off my dress"

Then dumb Mr. Goodman
As only a dunce can
Proceeded to hide in the sand
For the first time in history
It was a complete mystery
How one director had ALL of the power!!!!!!

The film is what it is and that's all that it is
Most trufans will want to take a long whiz
And though valiant and Brave Tom Ian and Don slaved
Fact is Goodman gave the keys to the Kingdom to Bayed.

If you hate the dumb story
And realize the characters are a worry
And wonder how Bay could screwup so bad
Remember the missive that Sugarboy brought you
It wasn't just Michael but Goodman too!

Rumored "inside operator" Don Murphy (see second stanza) strenuously denies authorship (and that his was the "certain website" that briefly hosted it), blaming a "disgruntled fan" for the tortured verse. And why shouldn't everyone believe him? Once angry Transformers fanboys finish bitching about how the fancy new Bumblebee doesn't look enough like the one from the original cartoon series, the next logical place to take their dissatisfaction is to write a poem explaining the internal studio politics that allowed fauxteur Michael Bay to destroy their happy childhood memories.