Today's New York magazine serves up a massive "OMG, did you know? Offices!" package, starring an insane, useless, and quite still exhaustive look into who gets smoothies with whom at ad agency Publicis New York. (Remember, they were so excited about being photographed!) What did we learn about Publicis? NOTHING. Smoothies? Sorry, is someone not doing someone in this office? So we decided to go behind the scenes at another Manhattan workplace and bring to light the tensions therein. After all, this sort of feature is way too stupid and easy to not be ripped-off on the cheap.

CHOIRE:

IS MOST CONCERNED WITH HR ISSUES ARISING FROM: Balk
GETS MANI-PEDIS WITH: Emily
WILL NARC TO PUBLISHER ABOUT: Josh
ROLLS HOMELESS PEOPLE FOR CHANGE WITH: Doree


EMILY:

ACTUALLY GETS MANI PEDIS WITH: Doree
SITS NEXT TO: Balk
STAYS AWAY FROM THE GERMS OF: Choire
SWEATS THE BALLS OF: Josh


DOREE:

IM'S INCESSANTLY WITH: Emily
SCRATCHES HEAD AT: Rhymes with Story
LOOKS ON IN HORROR AT: Balk
BUYS RASPBERRY CLAFOUTIS FOR: Josh


JOSH:

ENGAGES MULA BUNDA WITH: Emily
DISENGAGES MULA BUNDA WITH: Choire
RIDES PEDICABS WITH: Doree
IS SECRETLY TERRIFIED OF: Balk (Please don't tell him.)

BALK:
FUCK: Stein
MARRY: Shafrir
KILL: Sicha
OUT OF OPTIONS: Gould

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