As noted philosopher Carrie Bradshaw once put it, the New York Times wedding announcements are "the straight woman's sports pages." Altarcations is all about scoring the game. Each week, we evaluate the latest newlyweds, based on an elaborate rating system, described below.

What a squeaker! Behold the power of the old "until last month" or "until recently" to swing the Altarcations pendulum! While Jessica Liberman and Keith Wilcox's preschool meet-cute (meet-disturbing?) story was enthralling, it just didn't get them the points they needed in order to vanquish Kathleen Walsh, who has degrees from both Brown and Harvard and most likely quit her job to plan the wedding. As femiladies, we respect her empowered choice! Go team sisterhood!

Kathleen Walsh & John von Rosenberg: 11 points

  • Kathleen over 35: -1
  • John is over 35: -1
  • She's keeping her name: -1
  • "Until last month she worked on the rights of the disabled": +1
  • John has a "von" in his name: +2
  • Kathleen graduated from Brown: +1
  • She received a law degree from Harvard: +3
  • She graduated cum laude: +1
  • Her parents are from a wealthy suburb of CT: +1
  • Her father retired as the VP and general counsel at a British Utility company and her mother retired as a third-grade teacher: +3
  • John works for the Defense department: +2

    Jessica Liberman & Keith Wilcox: 10 points
  • Met in pre-kindergarten at Hunter College Elementary School in Manhattan: +2
  • Both parents from NYC: +2
  • Jessica a high-powered lawyer: +2
  • Jessica has a BA from Penn: +1
  • And a law degree from Penn: +2
  • Keith has an M.B.A. from University of California: +1
  • Our patented rating system:
  • Investment banker: 2
    Both Investment bankers: 5
    Job involving the word "banker" OR "investment": +1
    Both have jobs involving the word "banker" OR "investment": +3
    Management Consultant: 1
    Both management consultants: 3
    Trader: 2
    Both traders: 5
    High-powered lawyer: 2
    Both high-powered lawyers: 5
    Works for Defense Department: +2
    Teacher at a New York City or Connecticut private school: 2
    Parents from New York City or wealthy suburb in Connecticut: 1
    New York Times employee: 1
    State Department employee: 2
    Bride is an elementary school teacher: 1
    Works in media: 1
    Ivy league graduate: 1 *
    Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne: 2*
    Both Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne: 5*
    For each subsequent degree after a B.A.: 1
    Ivy league B.A. with graduate degree at low-ranking local
    college/university: -1
    If bride or groom attended/teach at any school with "Country Day" in
    the name: +2
    Coro fellow at NYU Law: +1
    Graduated Cum Laude: 1
    Graduated Magna Cum Laude: 2
    Couple met online: -1
    Graduated Summa Cum Laude: 3
    Woman is at ideal age for getting married (25): 1
    Man is at ideal age for getting married (27): 1
    For each member of couple over 35: -1
    Couple married by a Cantor: +1
    Couple met during or before their freshman year in college: +2
    Bride or groom goes by middle name: +1
    Mother a nursery school/kindergarten teacher or reading
    specialist/father is a wealthy professional= +3
    If the groom is Jewish and the bride Asian: +2
    If the groom is Asian and the bride is Jewish: -1
    The bride/bridegroom's first marriage ended in divorce: -2
    Descendant/related to somebody famous: +3
    Descendant of a founding father: +4
    Groom wearing gingham in picture: +1
    Parent is a trustee or board member of a company or organization: +1
    per company/org
    Parent is a member of the Bermuda parliament: +2
    Bride or Groom is a board member of a company or organization: +1 per
    Bride "is keeping her name", "will continue to use her name professionally": -1
    If there is a Jr., II, III or IV in a name: +2
    If there is a "von" in a last name: +2
    If someone famous comes to the wedding and is mentioned: +2
    If wedding ceremony held at Bethesda by the Sea in Palm Beach, and/or
    reception under a tent at the bride's grandmother's house in P.B: +2
    Bride clearly quits her job after the wedding: +1
    Married by an Episcopal priest: +1
    Groom is 20-30 years older than bride: +2
    Bride and groom both from New Jersey: -2
    Partner in corporate law firm: +3
    Bridge teaches elementary school, groom in finance: +2

  • *Apply to graduate school degrees in addition to B.A.s