Stalk of the Town: J. Rhys Meyers, Clearly Gay

The date: March 29, 2007

The place: Prince Street

Sighting: Jonathan Rhys Meyers walking down Prince Street with a girl. He was carrying a huge Club Monaco bag.

Oh, look at that, Jonathan Rhys Meyers out for a romantic stroll and some light shopping with his live-in girlfriend. Nothing at all unusual about that. Well, nothing except the clothes are both very stylish and all his, the girl is getting Dina Matos McGreeveyed and Jonathan Rhys Meyers is clearly gay. How do we know, you ask?

The founding principle is that all moderately famous people are gay. They become gay due to a pact with their agents, if they weren't gaying it up already before they had careers. But with JRM, the most interesting thing about Jonathan is the technique he's employing to remain in the closet. Let's call it the, "I simply act too gay to actually be gay, because if I'm going to be this flamboyant there is no way I would not go that last step and just come out of the closet; therefore I must be straight" technique.

First step: gay acting roles. Take as many as you can and always proclaim your desire to do more. Second step: fashion. Don't be afraid to wear Juicy sweats and carry a pleather bag to the gym. And always work the blouses and jewelry required for your roles. Finally, remember, A.B.G. or Always Be Gay. Tell Out magazine that "No one's ever accused me of being straight before." Say borderline homosexual things in all your interviews and make sure your co-stars are doing the same. Of course, to make this technique 100% successful one must simultaneously maintain a girlfriend and always be seen making-out with her in public.

We so admire all this. It's smart and it's working. In these internet-y times, speculating about the sexuality of actors has become something of a sport— and yet absolutely no one ever says that they suspect that JRM is gay. Never! We can't imagine why. Well-played, you creepy-beautiful Irish minx.