CNN's Roland Martin Hosts 'What Would Jesus Really Do?' Special

CNN contributor Roland Martin hosts an hour-long special on Friday, April 6, at 8 p.m. (ET), discussing how Jesus might solve modern-day problems including the war in Iraq, global warming, the gap between the rich and the poor and other contemporary challenges facing the world.

Obviously, one should expect this kind of thematic program given the season, but even so it seems like something of a snooze. And anyway, why bother seeing what a bunch of talking heads have to say about what Jesus might do when you can talk to the Man himself? We found him online.

BALK BTW: You got a sec?
Godjr: sure whats up
BALK BTW: They're doing a CNN special about how you'd handle the issues of the day.
Godjr: oooh, is it anderson? I lovelovelove anderson

BALK BTW: Roland Martin.
Godjr: :'(
BALK BTW: Sorry.
Godjr: never heard of roland martin
BALK BTW: That's because you only watch Entertainment Tonight.
Godjr: suck it, cojocaru rooooooooolz!
BALK BTW: I'm well aware of your position on Cojocaru. So anyway, can I ask you how you'd solve some of these intractable problems.
Godjr: go ahead. I'm just sitting on My ass waiting for the cable guy.
BALK BTW: They have cable in Heaven?
Godjr: hi def, motherfucker! and on heaven cable? antm is totally naked! except when that chick from seventeen is on.
BALK BTW: Atoosa Rubenstein.
Godjr: whatever. i already died for the sins of the world, id say ive done enough.
BALK BTW: Okay, let's stay on topic.
Godjr: "stay on topic". oooh, look at me, im balk! i write for GAWKER. i think i'm doing real reporting. what's the matter, you run out of meaningless shelter mag editors to make fun of?
BALK BTW: That's a little mean, Jesus.
Godjr: but funny!
Godjr: sorry.
Godjr: i get a little emotional this time of year.
BALK BTW: Oh, right, the crucifixion thing.
Godjr: no, the ncaas. is kentucky EVER GONNA WIN AGAIN?
Godjr: jk. of course the crucifixion. (but seriously, Tubby: SUCK MY WWEEEEENNNNIEEEEEEEEE! SUCK IT!)
Godjr: okay, that felt good. whaddya got, jewboy?
BALK BTW: Only half!
Godjr: ooooh, good, you're okay then. I get the feeling that youd hate jew heaven.
BALK BTW: Can we just get to the interview part already?
Godjr: sorry! forgive Me, I know not what I do. ask away
BALK BTW: Okay, how would you solve the following problems? First, the war in Iraq?
Godjr: easy. partition the country into three separate autonomous regions and work out some revenue-sharing agreement so no one feels like theyre getting shortchanged on the oil. keep some american presense there for about six months to try and establish stability and then turn it over to the un. Next?
BALK BTW: Global warming?
Godjr: update kyoto, tie the whole thing to some sort of fund so that developing nations like china have incentives to reduce their own emissions, stop making cars that are BIGGER THAN BETHLEHEM.
BALK BTW: Nice, we're almost there. The gap between the rich and poor?
Godjr: tough one. the poor you'll always have with you. still, id love to see something more along the lines of a safety net, it kind of blows what you guys are doing now.
BALK BTW: Good enough, that'll do it. Thanks!
Godjr: np. sorry about being making fun of you earlier. sometimes I'm a vengeful God. lemme make it up to you. wanna know how anna nicole's babydaddy is?
Godjr: ldsafkjasdfljk
Godjr: I thought so. okay, you are so gonna shit, ready?
Godjr: style
BALK BTW: who?
Godjr: neil style strauss. the "neg" douchebag.
BALK BTW: ????????
Godjr: yeah, i guess that shit really works!
Godjr: okay, cable guy here. talk soon
BALK BTW: Happy Easter
Godjr: ugh, don't get me started, that new nazi pope is gonna have me on the line ALL DAY
Godjr: anyway
Godjr: peace out dude. go wildcats!
Godjr went away at 3:59:49 PM.
BALK BTW: I cannot believe the Strauss thing.
Auto Response from Godjr: rising. :+)