Ad Hoc Altarcations: IMHO, I Want 2 Marry U

Each Monday, Intern Alexis uses a rigorous scale to rank the happy pair-bonds cemented in the Times wedding announcements. But surely, the Times can't contain all the nuptial bliss to be experienced in the metro area. Ergo, the Post's weddings section, where the couples require a more flexible scale that can take into consideration differences in, say, life experience, and body type.

Do you take this woman, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day —>, for : -) and for :-(, in :-P and in :-D, for :-$ and for :- , for as long as you both shall live? This week's Post couples propose through AIM, are set up by their mothers, and (obvi) include canines in the ceremony. As always, spirited competition ensues.Erick Gomez and Leigh Starr
  • "'Erick proposed via AOL instant messenger,' says Starr, a cashier": +25
  • "'We originally met in a chat room about two years ago, so it was kind of appropriate'": +15
  • Married at City Hall: +10
  • Reception on the Staten Island Ferry after ceremony: +25
  • Honeymoon in the Poconos: +15
  • Song was Nickelback's "Far Away": +0.05

  • Total: 90.05Gayle Greenberg and Matthew Slonim
  • Proposal preceded by scavenger hunt: +10
  • Slonim is "head of investment analysis for Besen & Associates": -20
  • Greenberg is "an assistant vice president of marketing for L'Oreal Paris": -20
  • Ceremony held at Ritz-Carlton Battery Park: -100

  • Total: -130Jimmy Kelly and Kate Sharp
  • Kelly is "vice president of a Bronx-based transportation company" (Omerta?): +10
  • Firecrotch Alert! "After being set up by his mother, Jimmy Kelly walked into a local New Jersey bar looking for Kate Sharp, his redheaded date - only to find five redheads in the crowd": +50
  • Suspicious! Married in Red Bank, N.J.: +1
  • Apropros of very little, bride is quoted as saying, "If you haven't read The Post yet, the day's not complete!" (Omerta?): +0.25 (down from 0.50)

  • Total: 61.25Dave Walsh and Heather Besemer
  • Besemer is "a photographer living in Brooklyn": -25
  • A "freelance journalist," Walsh almost missed the ceremony "covering an anti-whaling campaign for Greenpeace": -25
  • Married at City Hall: +10
  • Followed by "part[ying] the afternoon away with close friends at an Irish pub in Manhattan": +25
  • Song was TV on the Radio's "Providence": -1,000,000

  • Total: -1,000,035Melanie Anne Young and David Linsley Ransom
  • Young is the "founder and president of a Manhattan public relations firm": -50
  • Ransom is the "director of the firm's wine and spirits programs": +30
  • Gettysburg Alert! "[T]hrew an impromptu wedding 'reenactment' at Del Posto a few days after tying the knot in New Orleans. This way, the 24 guests who were unable to make it had a chance to take part in the celebration": -100
  • Said "reenactment" was Hurricane Katrina-themed: +101
  • A "special usher" dog named Chance "walked down the aisle wearing green Mardi Gras beads": +25
  • Said Chance is a Maltese: -6

  • Total: 0

    Winner: Ahh, nothing more satisfying on Easter morning than seeing virtue prevail over Vera Wang. Obvious Times rejects Greenberg/Slonim and Walsh/Besemer thought they'd be big fish in a small Post pond. ROFL! More like bringing a knife to a gunfight. As for Young and Ransom, we're not certain that the event they attended can be properly considered a wedding. So in the end, despite the respectable showing put up by Kate Sharp, Jimmy Kelly, his mom, and that mysterious Bronx-based transportation company, there was no stopping Gomez, Starr, and their "kind of appropriate" union. You think they ever cybered?