Stalk of the Town: Kevin Costner in 'Waterweight'

The time: 9:30 p.m.
The date: April 4th
The place: Butter, 415 Lafayette Street
Sighted: "Kevin Costner drinking and dining at Butter. Boy oh boy was he enjoying that food. He is a FAT, HUGE WHALE. I actually didn't believe it was him until I heard him talking. What happened? I'm traumatized."

What happened, indeed. What we're dealing with here is a classic mid-life crisis, Wild Hogs style. The roots of Costner's downward spiral into Porsches and cowboy boots began as early as Dances with Wolves, an early precursor to Dancing with the Stars. Following that film's accomplishments, Costner erroneously believed that if Mel Gibson could successfully make an epic about Scottish rebel William Wallace, Costner could also make successful epic about a mutant mariner covered in mud and feathers who lives on raft. Despite Waterworld's undeniable appeal, it unexpectedly bombed at the box office, leaving Costner no choice but to accept roles in Tin Cup and Rumor Has It - the celebrity equivalent of being put out to pasture.

In order to avoid an alarming fate filled with films such as What Women Want and Because I Said So, Kevin Costner kicked his celebrity rehabilitation into high gear and has taken the critical steps necessary for celebrity image revampization and career reclamation. First, he got rid of his "college sweetheart" old bag wife of 16 years, and exchanged her for a new, improved model, whom he promptly knocked up, proving his extreme virility. Second, he further solidified his bad boy image by exposing himself to a masseuse during his honeymoon. Finally, he invested in some not at all obvious and very convincing hair plugs, which nearly triples his already astronomical sex appeal.

Sadly, the line between image rehabilitation and mid-life crisis is perilously thin, and in his noble effort to frequent trendy restaurants such as Butter, obese whale Costner apparently failed to get the memo that food is only for photo-ops, not for eating. Furthermore, in a power move that signaled his irretrievable line crossing into identity crisis, Costner formed The Kevin Costner Band, and then sued his producer for failing to promote his garbage music.

We have already lost John Travolta to weight gain, hair plugs, jet flying and Xenu. Former national hero Tom Cruise is wearing girdles and Spanx. And now, America stands idly by as Kevin Costner starts a rock band. How many celebrities must we lose to these mid-life crises before it is too late?

Previously: J. Rhys Meyers, Clearly Gay