"Live With A Douche" is a Gawker PSA service rounding up the most deleteriously douchy apartment postings we can find. Surely we respect the universal right to demand a roommate who conforms to one's higgidypiggidy expectations—but some warrant special attention. Have you found a particularly ridiculous listing? Let us know at email@example.com
Pudenda: Due to an editing error, the listee was identified as a male douche. We've learned that said douche is actually a female one. Gawker regrets the error.
If your Craigslist ad for a roommate has 14 asterisked points to which your potential roommate needs must comply, you've got a problem. DSMV-IV suggests perhaps "latent neurotic tendencies," we suggest the rather folksier diagnosis, "You're an overbearing creep." Like this guy, "a 29 year old music marketing director who works 10-6" looking to sublet a room in his Prospect Park 2 BR for $950. Dude "does his best to be laid back" but it looks like his best isn't good enough.
* Looking for FEMALE ROOMATE ONLY * I am shortly getting cats and do not want any additional pets brought in * I prefer to keep the common spaces clean and clutter-free at all times - how you keep your bedroom is up to you but the spaces we share must be respected please * If you cook, please be prepared to clean up after yourself and do dishes the same night - waking up to someone else's dirty dishes or post-cooking mess is a pet hate that I'd rather not have to deal with ever again * I have a creative workspace in the apartment in addition to my bedroom * You must be outgoing and sociable - i.e. not come home every night and go straight to the couch. Same for weekends. * There is a hookup for cable TV in the bedroom so if you're a TV addict you should have a TV and like watching in your bedroom as much as the common room. No living room television-addicts. * If you're in a relationship I'd rather not have your partner over more than a couple of days a week - and if you're single, sleepovers are obviously fine but at the same frequency * No smokers of cigarettes (even if you do it outside) and no alcoholics (even if you are recovering) * No bathroom hogs! I spend 20 minutes most mornings at around 8-ish - so if you need the bathroom at around the same time and/or like to spend more than 30 minutes in the mornings, it will eventually piss me off * Would prefer someone who enjoys mostly or at least some of the same music (indie, rock, electronic, motown - really everything except mainstream pop/hip-hop, metal, opera and classical). I do play music in the common room, when I'm at my desk and working on projects. I'm willing to negotiate common room musical choices, but this is infinitely easier if musical tastes are mostly on the same page. * I prefer someone who doesn't have screamy telephone conversations outside their bedroom. * The room is unfurnished but everywhere else in the apartment already is sufficiently furnished - so candidates whose posessions are mostly confined to the available bedroom would be much preferred.
All these things are non-negotiable, so please do not contact me with questions or pleas for leniency...
Other than the above I am looking for a female who is drama-free, able to handle any issues maturely/diplomatically, willing and able to pay bills on time and willing to share in the cost for cleaning/maintenance supplies for the apartment. I have a very full life and am looking for someone who has a full life with friends and social events too - ultimately we'll need to get along, but ideally want someone independent to co-habit with but lead separate lives.
So if you are a lady who likes to watch tv but certainly not on the couch, if you're into the sex but hate sleeping next to someone, if you're popular but not gregarious, if you've never turned to drink and are no smoker of cigarettes, but most importantly, if you relish the thought of living with the guy who wrote this ad, far be it from us to discourage you from emailing the guy and start living with a douche.