In the real New York, bar bathrooms serve as fitting rooms for trying on potential pairings, an all-important step before making that one-night commitment. Luckily for us, Slut Machine has been around all the blocks. In this occasional column, she rates which restrooms of N.Y.C.'s watering holes are best for non-traditional restroom activities.
In this first inSTALLment of Potty Girl, we head to Enid's (60 Manhattan Ave., Brooklyn), a bar/restaurant that plays an important role for anyone living in the conveniently commutable, yet inconveniently social section of Greenpoint. The joint is forever cycling through highs and lows on the ever-morphing hipster gauge. The clientele tends to be a mix of people from notable bands, creepy, aging, drunken Polish dudes, creepy, aging, drunken hipsters, and one time, Drew Barrymore. But whatevs to all of that, because between its delicious weekend brunch and my nighttime bathroom antics, I'm always happily stuffing my mouth when I visit Enid's.
Enid's main attraction is the same as its major pitfall—it's local. It will never become crazy popular because it's too much of a pain in the ass to get to. (The closest train is the G, which stands for "Good luck getting anywhere on time with this lousy excuse for mass transit.") Yet, it's great for patrons from the 'hood as a place to pop in on your way home, before last call, or for those of us who are too lazy to leave the borough to begin with.
Picking up randoms at Enid's would be a pleasant surprise, but shouldn't be counted on. Basically, this bar is BYOD (bring your own dick). It's more of a final frontier for the hookup you've already secured. It's your last chance to ascertain the physical situation ( i.e., yank their pants down and make sure there are no blisters, rashes or other genital deformities) before heading back to your house to bang 'em out.
One of the reasons that Enid's is so awesome, bathroom-wise, is that the bar is usually uncrowded, enabling one to spend a significant amount of time in the powder room, powdering a nose. There's even a nice little table to rack up lines in each of the two unisex bathrooms that's not anywhere near the toilets or sinks, so there's no danger of dumping out your baggie only to have its contents get all wet and ruined.
Warning: The tables are sort of old, and there's no telling whether they were a product of dumpster diving, so don't lean up to hard or sit on them if you're making out with someone. You just don't know if those legs will buckle. But you know, the table and mirror setup [pictured right] is pretty good for bracing yourself if you want to watch as someone takes you from behind. The fact that there are probably only like 10 other people in the bar will ensure that there will be no door pounding while you're getting your pounding.
I used to think that the floors there were clean (or at least comparably so), but then I saw these pictures when I wasn't drunk, and, um, let's just say that I'll no longer be coming home from there with blackened knees.
The other reason that Enid's bathrooms get my approval is that they are incredibly spacious, so you can easily bring a group of friends in there for some key bumps, or you can bring a conquest in there and have plenty of room to sort of drunkenly fall all over while making out without having to brush a leg up against a dewy toilet.
Also, because they're so big, and because they are private unisex bathrooms, rather than stalls, you can do much more, sexually, than you can in other bars. So actually, the bathrooms at Enid's serve more as foreplay rather than as an audition; an appetizer rather than a taste test. Hopefully, if all goes well, you'll be hungry for more.
I give it 3.5 Ds out of 4.