From time to time the news cycle offers up an event of such import and complexity that it can only be comprehended through the medium of musical theater. Ben Greenman, the Rodgers & Hammerstein of the age (or, at least the Hammerstein), will lead you down the Great White Way to understanding. Shhh, the curtain's starting to rise!

IMUS
One afternoon in April
I watched some basketball
It was played by women
Like that's a sport at all

Tennessee was winning
The other team was not
The losers were from Rutgers
They didn't have a shot

The next day on the radio
Conversation turned to hoops
And I observed some differences
Among disparate racial groups

There were eight young women
Who played hard for that team
African-Americans whom I decided to demean

So...
Nappy-headed hos
That was what I said
By that I meant that they were whores
With nappy hair upon their head

[There is instant reaction to IMUS's comments.]

IMUS
My face is craggy
My skin is saggy
Some find the way I look quite hard to take
My mood is black
Like a heart attack
But I'm on the air each morning as Americans awake

For thirty years I've hurled spears
At all faiths, nationalities, and races
I've never really felt the need
To look my targets in their faces

So why would these young women
Be treated with respect?
That's not what I do
I'm not politically correct

[African-American leaders begin to call for IMUS to be removed from his radio show. Among the most prominent are the Revs. AL SHARPTON and JESSE JACKSON]

SHARPTON AND JACKSON
We call for your removal
From America's airwaves
A man should not reap benefits
Unless that man behaves

[Later, IMUS goes on the air and apologizes.]

IMUS
Oh mea culpa
They beat me to a pulp-a
My bitter tears would fill a cup
The size of a Big Gulp-a

Oh culpa mea
What did I say-a
I've held this job for thirty years
I'd really like to stay-a

[IMUS begins to appear on talk shows to address the controversy.]

IMUS
Of course I am regretful
Why else would I agree
To sit on the Today show
And have Matt Lauer talk to me?

Why else would I be willing
To go on Sharpton's show?
I've done so many interviews
I kind of feel like a ho.

[COACH C. VIVIAN STRINGER and her team address the media.]

COACH STRINGER
Abominable. unconscionable
Despicable, deplorable
The comments Mr. Imus made
Were nothing short of horrible

My girls and I worked hard
To focus and achieve
To hear this kind of poison
Makes us mad and makes us grieve

[IMUS continues to apologize, but sometimes seems to be defending himself.]

IMUS
I am very sorry
I see that you are black
But some of this imbroglio
Is a personal attack

They're trying to attack me
But a strong man stands up proud
This is still America
Offensive speech is still allowed

They're trying to attack me
But I won't go down without a fight
At my ranch for kids with cancer
Some are black and some are white

[Activists, sensing a lack of total contrition and citing a history of objectionable comments, begin to increase the pressure on IMUS.]

SHARPTON AND JACKSON
Your argument has little basis
The kettle concurs with the pot
You've proved that cancer isn't racist
But not, of course, that you are not

[Various RADIO AND TELEVISION PERSONALITIES and NEWSPAPER COLUMNISTS, while not necessarily defending IMUS, begin to criticize his critics, particularly SHARPTON AND JACKSON]

RADIO AND TELEVISION PERSONALITIES/NEWSPAPER COLUMNISTS
Tawana didn't tell the truth
The town isn't called Hymie
How can you condemn this man
When the two of you have been so slimy?

SHARPTON AND JACKSON
Some have called us hypocrites
Because we have misspoken
But it's not about if the shoe fits
We fix what history has broken

RADIO AND TELEVISION PERSONALITIES/NEWSPAPER COLUMNISTS
A child out of wedlock?
Freddy's Fashion Mart?
When it comes to bad behavior
The two of you have done your part

SHARPTON AND JACKSON
Clearly, we are flawed
But tell me, is it fair
To lump us both together
Like we're a vaudeville pair?

RADIO AND TELEVISION PERSONALITIES/NEWSPAPER COLUMNISTS
We don't know exactly what to say
It's just funnier that way

[The outcry intensifies. MSNBC suspends IMUS's television show for two weeks. Major sponsors, such as Staples and Geico, pull their advertising. Finally, CBS calls a press conference to discuss the fate of the radio show.]

CBS
To err is human: fine.
To profit from it is divine.
But as luck had it, this flap happened right at Eastertime
That slowed us down, I guess
What an inopportune mess
Now join me please in welcoming our CEO Les Moonves

LES MOONVES
There has been much discussion
Of the effect your language had
On America's young women:
We all agree it's bad.

We've come to a conclusion.
And so, my friend, have you.
There are those among us
Who feel it's overdue.

So it's time to hit the road
It's time to wave goodbye
The CBS eye could be crying
But it's mostly dry.

In light of what has happened
It's important that you learn
That you are not as funny
As Letterman or Howard Stern

[IMUS is fired. He begins to pack up his office.]

IMUS
I'd say that I feel terrible
But that's not exactly right
For starters I could easily
Move the show to satellite

And even if I never
Go back on the air
I made a ton of money
So why exactly would I care?

I have a ranch out West
Have I mentioned that before?
I can go relax there
For miles there's not a single whore

The best thing about retirement
Is that that you are your own boss
I'll sit and think about my life
And how they put me on the cross

And I'll look to the future, too
I still have dreams despite my loss
I'll sit and wait for Al and Jesse
To meet with Duke lacrosse

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, is just being published.

Contact information for this author is not available.