Happy First Birthday, Suri Cruise!

One year ago on this very day, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced the birth of their first biological daughter, Suri Cruise, the truly miraculous physical manifestation of their awe-inspiring love and, perhaps more importantly, the proof of concept for the highly experimental baby-fabrication techniques that will one day allow the Church of Scientology's leading genetic engineers to populate an entire Celebrity Centre at the hub of a remote Pacific island colony with workers directly produced from Cruise's DNA.

The celebration of young Suri's first year will take place in Shreveport, Louisiana, where Holmes is making a token attempt at reviving the acting career she put on hold to better attend to her daily war-bride responsibilities, and should be a fairly restrained affair exclusively for close friends and Holmes' new castmates: In the interest of keeping the joyous occasion simple, Suri's proud parents have rented out a specially soundproofed back room at a local Chuck E. Cheese for their daughter's first Silent Birthday party, where guests will noiselessly mouth the lyrics (helpfully printed on large signs adorning the venue's walls) to Scientology's surprisingly catchy, proprietary "One Year Down, Nine-Hundred And Ninety-Nine Million, Nine-Hundred and Ninety-Nine Thousand, Nine-Hundred and Ninety-Nine Years Of Service To Go!" birthday song, then offer a vigorous round of one-hand claps once Cruise assists the toddler in quietly extinguishing the single candle atop her cake.