People Whose Saturday Night Will Be Even Lamer Than Yours

Nope. Too late. If you don't have plans already, there's no chance you'll end up anywhere tonight that doesn't involve Plan B and a watery Bloody Mary in the morning. If you do have plans, well, they probably mostly suck and/or require trekking to outer Brooklyn. Better start preparing the Monday-morning revisionism now. Ahh, sunny weekend blues! The Internet was supposed to make despondency better, and it has: after the jump, ridiculous things the melancholics on Craigslist will do tonight and tell themselves was fun tomorrow.

Indeed, what kind of people go to events posted on the Craigslist Events page? Old people, that's who! New to AOL, your mom is being coerced into attending a BABY BOOMER SINGLES PARTY tonight at Taj Lounge on 21st Street. Taking up all of Prime Time — that's 8 to 11; mom's missing the whole Heroes mini-marathon tonight! — MILF-hunters take note: This party seems to be targeting men even uglier than the average forty-year-old:
Remember the world's #1 pickup line, "Hey, Baby, What's Your Sign?"

Guys, now you can actually get an answer instead of a woman just walking away when you ask her.
And women, now is your chance to use that pickup line on him too!

You will be given a list of which astrological signs are most compatible with yours. Your mission is to walk around and ask members of the opposite sex "What sign are you?" until you meet your astrological match!

Meanwhile, over in Park Slope, the people responsible for the George W. Bush presidency will be making whatever consciousness you may have seem more true in comparison:
THE RUDE MONKEY THEATRE GROUP: We want to encourage actors, writers, stage managers, production managers, mask artists, choreographers, directors, makeup artists, graphic designers, baristas and everyone in between to meet. Our purpose is to generate ideas, especially SOCIO-POLITICAL issues that are rarely talked about and make a show out of it. Which will in turn, create awareness to our wonderful BROOKLYN and beyond.
Right. Also, before they climb inside your TV at 9 PM tomorrow, the Italians are throwing down, Doge-style, on Mulberry Street tonight. A fair warning, though — this could get sexy :
Bring a little Venetian Mystery into your World...

Come to our Venetian Masquerade Ball and meet some outstanding single Italian-American Men and Women. We are The OSIA Centennial Lodge, the Order of the Sons (and Daughters) of Italy in America, and we are celebrating Spring this year with a costume dance at a wonderful restaurant located in the heart of Little Italy in New York City.

And, because you're already in the neighborhood, don't forget to drop by the BiGGGGG HOUSE PARTYYYY in Astoria. Among the attractions: "NO ENTREE FEE" and "BEER AND LIQUOR THERE." Where? Oh, that's right. Queens.

Better just to stay at home with the cat and the TiVo — that is to say, head over to the Strictly Platonic personals section where there's at least some productive employment to be had. Yes, on Saturday evenings, "Strict" is the word; so many Socrateses looking for their Platos:

Hot guy need grooming - m4m - 27

good looking,professional,masc,clean and friendly (NORMAL)...
need to shave it from my budy...cant do it alone...any help?
I will do that for you too if you want...

I thought you'd never asks.

The night's young. Have fun and stay safe with your conjugations, people. At least you have work to look forward to.