Ad Hoc Altarcations: 'Post' Standards Declining Precipitously

Each Monday, Intern Alexis uses a rigorous scale to rank the happy pair-bonds cemented in the Times wedding announcements. But surely, the Times can't contain all the nuptial bliss to be experienced in the metro area. Ergo, the Post's weddings section, where the couples require a more flexible scale that can take into consideration differences in, say, life experience, and body type.

What makes a successful New York Post wedding? Style, panache, and party favors involving the New York Post. Meanwhile, the creative class barbarians continue to gather at the gates. Are folks considering the ad hoc designation some sort of hokey irony tag? If so, they must be stopped. Numbers after the jump.

Lenore Shaffer and Steven Koppelman
  • Met on match.com: +10

  • Married at City Hall: +10

  • Groom forced to propose 15 times: +15

  • Total: 35

    David Procuniar and Susannah Slocum

  • Ten-year courtship: -10

  • "SoHo couple, both artists": -100

  • "[H]eld their reception at The Drawing Center, where 200 family members and friends danced to live music played by close friends: -200

  • Reception was breakfast-themed, to reflect bride's favorite meal: +30

  • Decor provided by couple's "favorite emerging artists": -30

  • Total: -310

    Julie Shinn and Paul Figueiredo

  • "Each hotel room featured welcome bags that included a mock New York Post, with a front-page headline that read 'Let the Celebration Begin' and a photo of Shinn, an account executive for National Cable Communications, and Figueiredo, an account manager at Telemundo.": +166

  • Ceremony at St. Patrick's; Pierce Brosnan weirdly present: -007

  • Cake shaped like soccer field, because Figueiredo loves soccer: +15

  • Total: +184

    Patricia Rozek and John Vander Leeuw

  • Bond cemented at supermarket where Rozek worked: +30

  • Vander Leeuw is a supervisor at Principal Commerce Capital Markets: -40

  • First dance to Rod Stewart's "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You": +10

  • Total: 0


    Frank Farrell and Yvonne Correa

  • Farell is "a financial products manager at an investment bank": -50

  • Correa is "a product manager for an investment bank": -50

  • Met at a 2004 charity event: -200

  • Total: -300

    And so, by default, the soccer-wedding takes the cake. But who are these "artists" and "investment banks" and "charity"? Why must we read about their courtships? Going upscale might seem cool, but be careful, Posters, every Farrell/Correa you accept leaves at least a dozen City Hall nuptials uncovered.