While the rest of us are drinking and snoozing, the television is trying to transmit important information into our homes. Today, our special correspondent for T.V. punditry catches us up on the chat shows. Because we totally wouldn't watch that shit if you paid us. Get your tinfoil hats on!
The Virginia Tech' shootings may have been Bill O'Reilly's most glorious moment. His show last Monday was a tall glass of vintage O'Reilly, made of all of the key ingredients that have in turn made him the cable news champ—angry white man antics, trademark tabloid insensitivity, and inaccurate reporting all served alongside a heaping helping of crazy guest!
While, for some reason, other broadcasters were all preoccupied with one of the worst crimes in American history, Bill O'Reilly managed to multitask. O'Reilly is a seasoned pro, so he knows that one of the number one rules of journalism is to own your beat, and his beat is the culture war.
If you're not a Factor fan, you may not know this, but right now, at this very moment, America is at war! I'm not talking about that silly little brouhaha over in Iraq, I'm talking about the battle for the very soul of our nation—the fight between O'Reilly and other noble, conservative commentators and nasty "secular-progressives" like Rosie O'Donnell. You see, Rosie is a fat, loud, lesbian and she doesn't like the President. Rosie hating America in this fashion is big news, so big, in fact, that Bill O'Reilly just had to cut in on his coverage of the unfolding crisis at Virginia Tech to deal with her.
How could he let the campus killings get in his way?
"Hi I'm Bill O'Reilly, thank you for watching us tonight on a very tragic day in America- mass murder in Virginia. Now, my usual talking points will be delivered a bit later on. They deal with how the far left is trying to exploit the Imus situation with the Queen of Mean Rosie O'Donnell leading the way. But first, the death toll continues to rise on the campus of Virginia Tech University."
"Because I can't help myself (who really knows) I sometimes give the baby a kiss. That makes them scream, too. Apparently, there is a part of me, more the German Shepherd part than the Border Collie part probably, that enjoys hearing humans scream. It's that scream of happiness I enjoy that comes out of the small human, the 'baby.'"
BILL: "Now there's also a list- and I don't know whether you're aware of this, but this is what Sean and I are working on- of mainstream media people, like Frank Rich and others, who are used by these far left web sites. Fed stuff directly to them-"
TAMMY: "Oh yes, I used them."
BILL: "...and then they put it in the papers."
TAMMY: "I used them. I mean, my best friend when I was the president of NOW, was I could dial a phone and I would move a story through all of the New York Times-owned newspapers. It was a network that I could rely on. There I was, sitting in my basement alone, running the National Organization for Women in Los Angeles, and because I would get an idea and package it, I would move it nationally the next day... The truth of the matter is, I used essentially what is a conspiratorial network of people in the newspaper and television industry."
Even as he was busy accusing other media outlets of running with scurrilous internet rumors, Bill O'Reilly broke in with his own scoop:
"I just got some information I want to pass along to everybody... this is from the Chicago-Sun Times. They say that the murderer was a Chinese National who arrived in the United States last year on a student visa, 24 years old, they did not give his name yet."