Today's New York Times Company annual shareholder meeting is expected to be, in the words of the Times itself, a "contentious" affair. What with "dissident investors" like Morgan Stanley's Hassan Elmasry calling for the Sulzberger family to change the dual stock-structure that allows them to control the paper, the stakes have never been higher - even though nothing is likely to change. But how will family head Albert Sulzberger Jr., address the controversy? Gawker has obtained a copy of his opening remarks.
How ya doin', folks? Great to see you all! Can we talk about this weather for a second? It was so sunny out there yesterday [pause for response] It was so sunny, even Charles Isherwood decided life was worth living! So, what's going on in the news? Iraq, wow. Last week was so deadly in Iraq that Dexter Filkins got to use his "this might be our last day on earth" line with five different women! [pause for laughter] I'll tell you, when John F. Burns was getting so agitated over there and I said "Screw it," I meant the assignment, not the female side of the press pool. Zing! So we've got some famous faces in the audience today. Is my cousin Mikey here? Michael Golden, International Herald Tribune publisher. Mikey? We can never tell if Mikey's around... maybe because I shipped him off to Paris in an internecine power struggle and ever since then he's been plotting in exile to overthrow me! Talk about family control issues! [pause for awkward, strained silence] Is Hassan here? Hassan Elmasry? He's not here? [give leering look to audience] Good. Let's talk about him! Hey, Hassan, I got a Power Point presentation right here in my pants, and it's got your name on it! [pause for laughter] But seriously, Hassan, go fuck yourself. You think you're going to come into Pinch's house and shake up a hundred years of tradition? Sit and spin, my friend. Sit. And. Spin. [sweat copiously, adjust tie] I will fucking kill you and the investment firm you rode in on. [notice you're alarming audience, go to prop material] Look who's here? [pull out plush moose toy from left suit pocket] It's Dryfoos the Moose! Dryfoos, why don't you say a few words to the audience, they're afraid to talk about you. [do moose voice] "Helllllllllllooooooo! Good to see you! Hey Morgan Stanley, lemme tell you what I told Howell Raines when the heat got to be too much: 'There's only room for one serial incompetent in this company, and you sure don't look like Janet Robinson to me! Get the fuck out of here!'" [notice people silently heading toward exits; sit on stage clutching moose and weep openly] Okay, we've got a great show for you today. Some douchebag from About.com who convinced me that a self-help version of Wikipedia would be a good investment is here! Stick around, we'll be right back! [rend garments, moan, collapse]