Australian Officials Enjoying Hearty Laugh Flipping Through Rocky's Medical Records

A routine press tour to promote the Australian release of Rocky Balboa last February put Sylvester Stallone in an embarrassing predicament, as airport customs agents discovered 48 vials of human growth hormone inside the senescent action star's luggage. As Stallone fans Down Under cope with the shattering suspicion that their 61-year-old underdog screen hero may have achieved his gladiatorial frame through the use of banned substances, the actor himself has been cooperating with the Australian authorities:

Hollywood star Sylvester Stallone has provided medical documents to Australia's customs after being charged with importing 48 vials of banned human growth hormone, his lawyer told a Sydney court on Tuesday.

Stallone, who has not yet entered a plea, was not in the Sydney court for the brief hearing. His case was adjourned until May 15 to allow customs to examine Stallone's medical material, which was not revealed in court.

Stallone's lawyer, John Chicken, said the matter should be finalized soon. "We're certainly seeking to move to a resolution," he told the court.

Chicken's boldly optimistic tone suggests that the voluminous medical records should indicate the HGH was at worst a doctor-prescribed supplement to the actor's regular workout routine, a 99% natural program consisting of a vigorous weightlifting regimen and the consumption of no less than three whole, deboned sheep per day. Certainly, the moment the Australian courts see for themselves that Stallone's trusted longtime personal physician Dr. Flex Goodbody of the Freakishly Massive Free Clinic endorsed the use of the substance, they will swiftly clear Stallone of any crime.