Live from the pages of The Underminer: The Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life, we invited everyone's favorite frenemy to chime in from time to time on various hot topics. That's right, The Underminer has a Gawker column now. But keep trying! You'll get one someday! You trouper!
Hi oh my god I haven't seen you for so lonnggggg!
It's so weird because I was just about to ask our Sheila for your new email (aren't you finally switching to Gmail or something?) to invite you to my engagement cocktail party!
Yes! I know! I am getting married! To explorer, television star and modern Indiana Jones Josh Bernstein! Eeeeeeeeeeeep!
It's just a smaller gathering because we are actually celebrating our engagement in a village on the Bolama Islands off Guinea-Bissau, but we wanted to have a party for our fun crazy New York City tribe! Ritual is important.
I know I know I know! It's so weird. I know he publicly stated he is not ready to settle down, but you know, we were both at the annual meeting of Ye Olde Riche and Goode-Looking People's Club up in its secret location in Midtown (it's just a weird membership that's been in my family since the Mayflower) and he was giving a lecture on his recent trek through the Atacama Desert and then I shot my hand up defiantly and I asked him a question about the sustainability of semi-arid hydrology in riparian areas. And he just looked at me, and saw that I am SO interested in environmentalism and smiled his square-toothed snow-white smile and it was like—whammo! I feel like Kate Middleton probably felt about Prince William, before he became a dawg and slept with that Brazilian floozy.
On our first date Josh wore his cowboy hat and organic jeans and gave me a necklace of gnuooaukgnuuuaoks—an authentic gift of passion from the Teeheepa tribe—small pearls found in the gallbladders of owl monkeys. And it just sort of progressed from there. I don't know what to say. You know when it's right, you know?
You are dating someone too? That's great! The End of The Dry Spell! He's Jewish too? Let me guess... he's nice, incredibly smart, very accommodating in bed, glasses, maybe complains too much in restaurants but is totally sexy?
Hello! Can we say, Annie Hall? What is this, 1974?
You know what you need is an upgrade. You need a Jewish guy with a plan. Or what I like to call a Jew.0. A Jew-Point-O.
If it wasn't for Josh I would be the same way! But you deserve better. In my thinking, a Jewish boyfriend can't just be lovably neurotic and loyal anymore! These days, he better also have mastered Shaolin Kung Fu, have a television deal, or survived living in the deadly Tsodilo Hills of Africa supplied with only a toothbrush and knife.
Oh, no, my religion isn't an issue for him. Yeah, no, I read what he told the Times about how he was looking for a "tall blond Jewish girl who is interested in the environment," but true love sort of trumps everything, right? And also three out of four isn't bad!
Trust me, when you find the right Jew Point 0 you will know. Every night when Josh and I curl up together, he says to me how thankful he is. And the feeling is mutual—it's like he taught me the secret trail to the legendary treasures of El Dorado, and I taught him the way to his heart.
Anyway its just something to think about. Go for what you feel deep in your soul, that's my advice.
Be good to yourself, and expect an email from me soon!