I gave up drinking coffee again yesterday. Obviously this is the worst decision that anyone in my position could ever possibly make, but whatever. I had to stop drinking it because it was fucking with my tummy. Know what else fucks with my tummy? Being pilloried by random internet strangers about my appearance in our blog comments. "Oh, the irony," you'll say. And you'll be wrong! This is our playground. Get your own damn blogs, men. It's easy.
So because A) the coffee thing and B) because I am a vindictive asshole who clearly isn't mature enough not to let anonymous strangers get under my skin, which is just like most everyone else, I'm rendering every commenter who stooped to insulting my looks after Balk posted the Red Eye clip yesterday redundant. There's a hell of a lot of things to make fun of in this world, don't we know it. But a general rule of thumb: "What a woman's face looks like" or "how big her ass is" is the idiot's mock-of-choice.
- Commenter: chrmnfthbrd
Crime: "(Cough) Media training."
Drama-queeny rebuttal: Ok, sure! Let's have everyone speak in the same Midatlantic, animated tone on TV like little robots while staring directly into the camera and not moving a facial muscle. Also, my job is not to be some pundit-floozy. That's Julia Allison's job. My job is to sit here every day, typing up the brain candy news for you. I'm not Amanda Congdon and I'm not Jessica Coen and I don't want to be.
- Commenter: JoeJoeBinks
Crime: "If Debra Winger and Rachel Dratch had a baby, would it grow up to look like Emily?"
Drama-queeny rebuttal: If anyone else says Rachel Dratch I will kill myself, and then you'll have blood on your hands.
- Commenter: Uncle Grambo
Crime:"So, after all that, your comeback to Kimmel is "Eat me"? You stay classy, San Diego!"
Drama-queeny rebuttal:Hi Mark. Why are you always so nice to me to my face, then so not in the comments of Gawker? Dude, it's weird.
- Commenter: CrazeeEyesKillah
Crime:"Er... this clip is "kind of" a lot of things, but "great" isn't the first word that comes to mind. The more postscripts you try to write to L'Affaire Kimmel, the clearer it becomes that Emily got her ass handed to her on that Larry King Live appearance. And really — going on motherhumping Red Eye to deliver your rebuttal?!? Was Robin Byrd fully booked that night?"
Drama-queeny rebuttal: What I said to Mark, except I don't know you. Also, who says "motherhumping?" Were there children around when you were typing your comment? God, do you HAVE CHILDREN?
- Commenter: Dick Hertz
Crime: Actually I'm not going to repeat this one, because, ew.
Drama-queeny response: How many times do I have to say it? Gawker is a safe space for women. Any by "women," of course, I mostly mean "me." So there. Welcome! Enjoy your blogs!