Workers Of The World Unite, You Have Nothing To Lose But My Patience

"The Ethicist" is Randy Cohen's long-running advice column in the New York Times. Each week, Gabriel Delahaye's "The Unethicist" will answer the same questions as "The Ethicist," with obvious differences.

This week, someone (boring) entrusted with the education of our nation's youth makes barely any fucking sense, like, at all, and a (boring) unemployed Minnesotan finally sticks it to Mother Russia.

A fellow teacher at my elementary school sells jewelry. A student came to deliver $80 worth of merchandise to a woman with whom I share a classroom. She was not in, so I said he could leave the package on her chair. The next day she inquired about her jewelry: she never received it. Someone stole it from our classroom. Who is responsible for the $80? — Name Withheld, Connecticut

More important than your question of who is responsible for the $80 is who is responsible for explaining what the fuck you are talking about. It's clearly not you, Bizarre Mildly Cryptic Story That Makes Very Little Sense McWTF.

OK, I read your question again, and while it makes me so angry I want to clean the erasers with your face, I think I see what happened here. A frustrated, mediocre woman who was a teacher, hated her life and decided she needed to take up a hobby, so she started making jewelry, and felt validated in her lonely pursuits when other frustrated, mediocre women who were also teachers offered to buy that jewelry out deeply understanding pity. So one day she (teacher) sold some of what I can only imagine to be horrendously gaudy be(fake)jeweled broaches and hellishly beaded chokers to a woman (teacher) who owns many, many cats. But, when the silently suffering "jeweler"/teacher asked one of the children who she no longer sees as a charge under her thoughtful and important tutelage but rather as a demon spawn draining her of her energy, youth, and promise, to deliver the jewelry to the cat lady (teacher), he left it on a chair because you (also teacher) told him to, and someone (possibly a teacher) who clearly had no idea just how badly they didn't want what they were about to steal, took the box.

The answer to your question is the child. Even if he is not solely responsible for what happened, children are very easy to guilt and manipulate. With almost no effort, you will be able to convince him that he is a terrible criminal, and he will be mowing your lawns and washing your cars for free all summer long. Niiiiice.

At a job interview, I learned that the company was seeking replacements for striking workers. I have nearly always sided with workers on strike. We all deserve decent wages and working conditions. Should I accept the job if it is offered? — D.R., Minneapolis

Well, not all of us, D.R. You clearly forgot about Mexicans. The only thing they deserve is to ride their bikes home to their seven-family studio apartments after washing our dishes all day, am I right?

Also, I like how much you equivocate in your question. You have "nearly" always sided with workers on strike? But not always. Sometimes the alienating forces of the capitalist system are so right. And then of course right after expressing your Marxist solidarity, you ask if it's still ok to be a strike-breaker.

The answer, of course, is yes. Fuck communists! Love it or leave it! America for Americans! These colors don't run! Toby Keith! You're an asshole!

Previously: It Is Not That Hard to Hide Drugs, Doctor