We've been so overcome with worry ever since we learned that an anonymous fiend had kidnapped the Assistant Beer Pong Tournament trophy from under the noses of dozens of intoxicated revelers on Saturday night that we haven't been able to sleep, eat, or even drink ourselves into the typical stupor we use to cope with emotional trauma. Finally, however, we've been afforded a glimmer of hope that the trophy will find its way back to its rightful caretakers, as the event's organizers have issued this defiant (if Ransom-plagiarized) statement announcing their intention to turn the entire assistant underclass into a bloodthirsty legion of bounty hunters:
To the monster who stole our trophy,
The whole world now knows... my beer pong trophy was kidnapped, for ransom, two days ago. Trophy, if you're alive, we love you. And this... well, this is what waits for the man that took him. This is your ransom. Two million dollars in unmarked bills, just like you wanted. But this is as close as you'll ever get to it. You'll never see one dollar of this money, because no ransom will ever be paid for my trophy. Not one dime, not one penny.
Instead, I'm offering this money as a reward on your head. Dead or alive, it doesn't matter. So congratulations, you've just become a two million dollar lottery ticket... except the odds are much, much better. Do you know anyone that wouldn't turn you in for two million dollars? I don't think you do. I doubt it. So wherever you go and whatever you do, this money will be tracking you down for all time. And to ensure that it does, to keep interest alive, I'm running a full-page ad in every major newspaper every Sunday... for as long as it takes. But... and this is your last chance... you return my trophy, intact, uninjured, I'll withdraw the bounty. With any luck you can simply disappear. Understand... you will never see this money. Not one dollar. So you still have a chance to do the right thing. If you don't, well, then, God be with you, because nobody else on this Earth will be.
We'll keep you updated on the progress of the negotiations as information becomes available. We just hope that this public posturing doesn't goad the kidnapper into doing something rash, like chopping off the trophy's ball and mailing it to the winning team to prove that he's serious about collecting his ransom.